There have been many occasions when people have come to me just to sound off about their relationship, or their job, or their position in life, and have expected a certain level of sympathy. Don’t get me wrong, I am a very caring, loving and giving guy, but complaining just doesn’t wash with me. I’m all about taking 100% responsibility. It’s what I teach and it’s what I endeavour to do every moment of every day.
Now, I must tell you that there is a big difference between “getting things off your chest” and complaining. Getting things off your chest is a useful and natural part of day to day life. When you’ve had a manic day and a million things to do and a certain level of pressure has built up inside you, then getting things off your chest or venting your frustrations can be a healthy way of laying your jumbled thoughts out in front of you so that you can gain a clearer perspective of a day that’s now gone. To get things off your chest means to say what’s on your mind with the intention of being able to forget it and move on.
“Man, what a day. You have no idea how busy I’ve been. The phone has not stopped ringing, I’ve had a mountain of work, I barely had time to grab a bite to eat and my feet are killing me.”
Deep breath… and relax. It’s over. You had a need to outwardly express your internal experience and now you’ve don’t it. Now, what’s for dinner?
Another example of getting things off your chest is when someone says or does something that doesn’t sit quite right with you. Perhaps they were talking about you in your absence and you think they may have misrepresented you in some way. You might find an opportunity to take that person to one side and get to the bottom of it.
“I don’t think this is a big issue but something has been on my mind lately about what you might have said to Mary when I wasn’t there”
I get things off my chest all the time. It can be a great enabler of effective communication, certainly better than keeping frustrations bottled up, that’s for sure.
Complaining is an entirely different kettle of fish. Complaining is refusing to let go a disgruntling thought and holding something or someone else accountable for it.
When you complain you are making a statement that things should be another way. Your way! You have an imagined version of a different, better reality that you are using to benchmark against what is really going. And the sad truth about complaining is it is nearly always enforced on the people who can do absolutely nothing about it.
“Let me tell you about my boss. He is such an idiot. He makes my life a misery. He has absolutely no idea how hard I word and all he can do is demanded more and more pointless reports. I’m trapped.”
Does this sound like a person who taking 100% responsibility of their life?
When you complain you effectively give away any power you have within you to change your situation, because it places the problem firmly outside of your own control. But if you were to take a step back a take a good honest look at the situation you will begin to see a much clearer, more palatable reality.
It initially takes courage and openness to recognise that you always have choice but the prize is freedom.
Rather than looking for reasons of why you have to be angry, sad, pissed off, etc, experiment with turning the focus back on yourself. The intention is not beat yourself up, but to simply become curious about the part that you’ve played in generating your experience.
Look for the cause and effect factors that apply to what you have – or haven’t done – that have led you to where you are today. Have you been too permissive? Had you been putting off having a conversation you should have had ages ago? Have you been focusing on the wrong things to bring you happiness? Have you blamed someone else for not doing something you could have easily done yourself? Honestly?
You are the sum of every decision you’ve ever made, every thought you’ve ever had, every conversation, every action or inaction. That’s what defines you.
If you’re unhappy in your relationship, what could you DO right now to make things better? If your boss is an areshole (pardon my French) you have choices. Either address your issues with him/her, or accept that everyone is entitled to their unique style and learn to be ok with that, or get another job! There is always a choice. It may be not your preferred option but if that is what you have control over, then exercise that control. There is no “have to” in life.
Here is a powerful piece of advice that can radically alter the quality of your experience. Have a complaint free day. Just commit to spending an entire 24 hour period where you forget to complain about anything. See what happens. If your focus is not placed on what wrong or who is to blame then it is placed on finding solutions. And you’ll be amazed at how creative you can be when you assume that a solution exists.
If you enjoy your complaint free day, have another one, and another!! I hope you can see why this could be one of the most important decisions you’ll ever make.
As always you have my very warm wishes. Have a wonderful day.
Visit me any time at http://www.life-happens.co.uk/
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Friday, October 17, 2008
THE IMPORTANCE OF PUTTING YOU FIRST
“In order to give your best to others, you have to put yourself first. It’s not selfish, it’s crucial.” - Paul Dalton
Everyone wants to think of themselves as a good person. Many, however, have adopted the belief that in order to be a good person they have to put other’s needs before their own. This is rarely the result of conscious choice, but rather a consequence of upbringing, or conditioning.
When we were young we learned that if we misbehaved the people we depended upon for survival seemed to take away the love we so desperately sought. We also learned that being good and “doing as we were told” got us the rewards of praise and affection. The result for many, even in adulthood, is to unconsciously believe that love and security are only given when we do the things that other people want us to do, so we instinctively put them first. It is, of course, good to be surrounded by those who love you, but that love does not have to be at the cost of your own personal growth and self-fulfilment.
Have you ever considered that you are important to the people who are important to you? If the boot was on the other foot, would you feel satisfied knowing that someone you care deeply for was sacrificing their own creativity and potential in order to do the things that please you? The truth is the people you love want you to be the fullest most positive expression of yourself – that’s why they cherish you!!!
Putting yourself first might feel a little unnatural to begin with, but when you understand the reason why it’s so important it will become an attitude you are willing adopt. Ask yourself these two questions: 1, How does me feeling unfulfilled and out of touch with my own self worth in any way add value for the people I care about? 2, How much would my relationships benefit if I felt truly content and inspired to grow as a person?
The truth is you can only put into a relationship what you have to give in the first place. Investing quality time and effort into yourself literally provides you with the positive energy and focus that’s required to nurture and support those around you. And they will really appreciate you for you it. Talk about a win win situation!
Do it now! Set aside time in your diary to have fun, play, read, socialise, learn, exercise, create, discover……what ever it is that inspires you.
Everyone wants to think of themselves as a good person. Many, however, have adopted the belief that in order to be a good person they have to put other’s needs before their own. This is rarely the result of conscious choice, but rather a consequence of upbringing, or conditioning.
When we were young we learned that if we misbehaved the people we depended upon for survival seemed to take away the love we so desperately sought. We also learned that being good and “doing as we were told” got us the rewards of praise and affection. The result for many, even in adulthood, is to unconsciously believe that love and security are only given when we do the things that other people want us to do, so we instinctively put them first. It is, of course, good to be surrounded by those who love you, but that love does not have to be at the cost of your own personal growth and self-fulfilment.
Have you ever considered that you are important to the people who are important to you? If the boot was on the other foot, would you feel satisfied knowing that someone you care deeply for was sacrificing their own creativity and potential in order to do the things that please you? The truth is the people you love want you to be the fullest most positive expression of yourself – that’s why they cherish you!!!
Putting yourself first might feel a little unnatural to begin with, but when you understand the reason why it’s so important it will become an attitude you are willing adopt. Ask yourself these two questions: 1, How does me feeling unfulfilled and out of touch with my own self worth in any way add value for the people I care about? 2, How much would my relationships benefit if I felt truly content and inspired to grow as a person?
The truth is you can only put into a relationship what you have to give in the first place. Investing quality time and effort into yourself literally provides you with the positive energy and focus that’s required to nurture and support those around you. And they will really appreciate you for you it. Talk about a win win situation!
Do it now! Set aside time in your diary to have fun, play, read, socialise, learn, exercise, create, discover……what ever it is that inspires you.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
DO YOUR FRIENDS KNOW WHAT THEY MEAN TO YOU?
I’ve just arrived back from America where I was attending the wedding of a very good friend, and because I was the Best Man I had to give a speech. Now, I’m used to public speaking and facilitating large groups of people in my personal development workshops, so you might be thinking this was a doddle for me. Well how wrong you are my friend!
What made this different for me was the level of thought I found myself giving to the meaning of my friendship with the groom and having to put into words some emotional stuff that I found difficult to explain.
My original intention was to just spend about 10 minutes ripping the proverbial wee-wee out of him (and you’ll be glad to know that I did fit this in, to great delight of me and the other guests) but I also understood that this would be a powerful opportunity to reflect on the many years we had been close mates, and to analyse why his friendship is so important to me. What surprised me was realising just how many experiences we had been though together. There have been a lot of good times but also a few low points too and as I thought about it, it became clear to me how incredibly grateful I am that he had been there to support me through some of the most challenging of times.
Of course I had always been vaguely aware of this but is was suddenly now apparent that I had never actually told him. In fact there were many things I’d never told him about what I appreciated in our relationship: How I get inspired when he talks about his goals; How he dutifully listens to all my crazy plans and encourages me to follow through; how he can cheer me up regardless of what mood I am in; his generosity; the weird sense of humour we share; his honest (even though it can often be blunt), and much more.
So when it came to making the speech I made sure I told him all of this, and it was quite an emotional affair. We usually spend our time thinking of new ways to make fun of each other, but there I was delivering a list of his best qualities and with a lump in my throat! And the best part was his reaction. He was obviously moved by what I had said and I got a sense that our friendship had just become a little richer as a result.
One of the deepest human desires is to feel appreciated, and the nicest way to receive this kind of validation is by hearing it from someone else. It’s one thing to think of yourself as being a good friend, but it is when others pay tribute to you that it really touches your soul.
Think about your own relationships. What is it that you really value about those closest to you? Ask yourself, do they know exactly how you feel or have you been making an assumption that they do? You can immediately strengthen the bond in any relationship simply by telling that person that you are thankful for them being in your life and then listing the reasons why. This is such a simple thing to do but sadly not practiced nearly enough.
I have now made a promise to myself that I will reaffirm my gratitude to my friends and loved ones on a regular basis. If you want to do the same but have trouble knowing what to say, consider what you would want to tell them if you knew this was the last time you’d ever see them again. How have they influenced you as a person? What are their top three qualities? What would your life be like today if you never knew them?
A nice little payoff for getting in the habit of do this is that you are likely to get some positive feedback too! Obviously it should not be you intention to fish for compliments but it’s always good to know where you’re doing a good job, isn’t it? I know that when friends and family tell me what they love about me it encourages me to more of it and I get to feel great about myself for the difference I’m making to them. The key to a fulfilling life is to simply feel good, there is nothing more complicated to it, so why not help yourself by making others feel appreciated? Win Win!
What made this different for me was the level of thought I found myself giving to the meaning of my friendship with the groom and having to put into words some emotional stuff that I found difficult to explain.
My original intention was to just spend about 10 minutes ripping the proverbial wee-wee out of him (and you’ll be glad to know that I did fit this in, to great delight of me and the other guests) but I also understood that this would be a powerful opportunity to reflect on the many years we had been close mates, and to analyse why his friendship is so important to me. What surprised me was realising just how many experiences we had been though together. There have been a lot of good times but also a few low points too and as I thought about it, it became clear to me how incredibly grateful I am that he had been there to support me through some of the most challenging of times.
Of course I had always been vaguely aware of this but is was suddenly now apparent that I had never actually told him. In fact there were many things I’d never told him about what I appreciated in our relationship: How I get inspired when he talks about his goals; How he dutifully listens to all my crazy plans and encourages me to follow through; how he can cheer me up regardless of what mood I am in; his generosity; the weird sense of humour we share; his honest (even though it can often be blunt), and much more.
So when it came to making the speech I made sure I told him all of this, and it was quite an emotional affair. We usually spend our time thinking of new ways to make fun of each other, but there I was delivering a list of his best qualities and with a lump in my throat! And the best part was his reaction. He was obviously moved by what I had said and I got a sense that our friendship had just become a little richer as a result.
One of the deepest human desires is to feel appreciated, and the nicest way to receive this kind of validation is by hearing it from someone else. It’s one thing to think of yourself as being a good friend, but it is when others pay tribute to you that it really touches your soul.
Think about your own relationships. What is it that you really value about those closest to you? Ask yourself, do they know exactly how you feel or have you been making an assumption that they do? You can immediately strengthen the bond in any relationship simply by telling that person that you are thankful for them being in your life and then listing the reasons why. This is such a simple thing to do but sadly not practiced nearly enough.
I have now made a promise to myself that I will reaffirm my gratitude to my friends and loved ones on a regular basis. If you want to do the same but have trouble knowing what to say, consider what you would want to tell them if you knew this was the last time you’d ever see them again. How have they influenced you as a person? What are their top three qualities? What would your life be like today if you never knew them?
A nice little payoff for getting in the habit of do this is that you are likely to get some positive feedback too! Obviously it should not be you intention to fish for compliments but it’s always good to know where you’re doing a good job, isn’t it? I know that when friends and family tell me what they love about me it encourages me to more of it and I get to feel great about myself for the difference I’m making to them. The key to a fulfilling life is to simply feel good, there is nothing more complicated to it, so why not help yourself by making others feel appreciated? Win Win!
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