Radical Self-Honesty (and Unconscious Commitments)

"It is discouraging to think how many people are shocked by honesty and how few by deceit." - Noel Coward

The inspiration for this tip came after I had the great fortune to find out about the work of Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks. Together they run The Hendricks Institute, a hugely successful learning centre that teaches core skills for conscious living. Whilst much of the work they do is based around strengthening relationships, the area that I was particularly struck with is a process they have devised for identifying and transforming what they call “unconscious commitments”.

Have you ever been really frustrated with yourself for not following through on a task or activity that you know would have given you great rewards?

For example:

* Not filling out the job application even though you were really keen on moving forward in your career.

* Falling off the healthy eating plan even though you already felt uncomfortable with your level of wellbeing.

* Treating yourself to a little luxury item after you vowed to pay off maxed-out credit cards first.

* Saying you’d make more of an effort in your relationship and then spending more time in front of the TV.

Those scenarios may ring bells for you or they may not, but I’m willing to stick my neck out and say that everyone has a little thing or area of life where their own actions stop them from getting what they really want.

The key to reversing this kind of self sabotage is to take a good look at yourself and to be completely honest about what is really going on in that head of yours. Although we like to think that our desires are driven by what we consciously choose, there is a far more powerful force at play in the deepest recesses of your unconscious mind.

Take the guy who says he wants to move his business up to the next level. He may have all kinds of ideas and visions for where he’d like the business to go; he might even write down a few lofty goals and do some research on the kind of resources he might need. BUT, if his unconscious mind, for whatever reason, is not ready to play ball, he will inevitably seek out and find all the excuses as to why progress cannot be made right now: It’s not the right time; the market is not there; he’s too busy; he’s too tired; there’s no support; his wife wouldn’t like it… And the sad thing is that probably the only place where any of these excuses are actually true is in the story he’s making up in his head.

It may be a bitter pill to swallow but he will only be able to stop obstructing himself when he is willing to admit that he is holding onto an unconscious commitment to keep his business exactly where it is right now.

Initially it can be a very uncomfortable thing to acknowledge that you may be unconsciously committed to avoiding the very thing you say you want. Some people start out by strenuously resisting this notion:

“That’s ridiculous, there is nothing more I’d love than to do than be the most successful person in my industry. It’s not my fault it happened to rain today. I definitely would have gone to that networking event had it been less of a downpour!”

The purpose of taking a radically honest stance is not to beat yourself up about not doing the best you can, but it’s to uncover the mental blocks that are getting in the way of your success.
My own experience of this is when some years ago I got the idea into my head that I wanted to build a career in personal development (of all things). I thought about all the possible ways that I could be of service make a positive difference in the lives of others through private consultation, workshops and seminars, creating products and generally being a pretty damn good coach. So I set about signing-up to as many training events as I could get onto (and afford). I read mountains for books on just about every area of personal growth and self development, and I even set up my very first website. I was on a roll. I was so excited at the prospect of being a sought after and respected expert in the field, and I felt so strongly that this was the right path for me to follow.

There was one small problem though. In my busyness to expand my knowledge and formulate a plan for magnificent success I wasn’t actually doing anything to get any work. But more than that, I was even turning down opportunities that were being handed to me on a plate. I’d get invites to deliver talks to local groups. Friends were always offering to pass my details onto other people they knew would definitely want to see me for coaching or therapy. But somehow I always found a way of avoiding putting my skills into practice. I’d find reasons why I was too busy, or my presentation wasn’t quite polished enough, or I’d think I might be coming down with something. I spent so much time perfecting the look and feel of my website that I forgot to fill it with the kind of content that people actually wanted to know about. I’d hide behind emails, rather than picking up the phone and talking with people directly.

This carried for a while until eventually it got to the stage that I couldn’t ignore it any longer. It was the elephant in the corner of the room. Even though I hadn’t heard about the Hendricks’ idea of “unconscious commitments” back then, I came to my own realisation that I was committed to being invisible and resisting my own success.

Is that because I was lying when I talked about all the things I wanted to achieve as coach? Of course not, but what it did mean is that I was probably a bit scared, and my unconscious mind was doing the only thing it knows how to do; to protect me from coming to any harm.
The really cute thing about the unconscious mind is that, despite its infinite wisdom, it really isn’t very good at distinguishing between a real threat to our physical being and an imagined threat to our imagined being, or self-image – otherwise known as the ego.

When you are about to embark on an exciting but uncertain journey the ego has no assurances that it will survive unscathed. “What if I fail? What will other people think? What if they disapprove? What if I can’t handle the pressure of success? You’d better back in your box right now!”

Your subconscious is an extremely powerful force in your life and drives the majority of your behaviour. But it craves familiarity! It likes your self image just the way it is and, left to its own devices, will organise your thoughts and actions to keep it that way. If you want to move past this you have to become aware of what’s really going on inside and consciously decide to override this well intentioned protection system with deliberate thoughts and actions that are congruent with your desired outcome.

Here is the really magical thing that I experienced. As soon as I admitted that I was just a bit nervous about launching myself onto the public stage, and that I was willing to work consciously towards being clearly visible my potential client base, it’s as if I was suddenly free of that old unconscious commitment to remain hidden from view.

Anyone can overcome their unconscious commitments and unblock the flow of success in their life, but it takes two things: Radical self-honesty that the only obstacle you are facing is yourself, and a genuine willingness to be consciously committed to turning the situation around.

Homework:

I encourage you to think about your own life and the areas where you may have unconscious commitments that stop you achieving the results you want. Here are some steps to overcome them (it’s important that you let go of any self-judgement as you do this).

1, Identify the non-desirable recurring issues in your life. What do you find yourself consistently complaining about, either verbally to others or silently to yourself? Have you been blaming something or someone for holding you back?

Example: You’ve been fed up for ages that you are working so hard in your job that it leaves you too little energy to go to the gym.

Now, as if you knew that this is just an excuse, finish off the following sentence with the real unconscious truth.

“I am committed to…”

Example:

* “I am committed to blaming everything else for my own lack of action”

* “I am committed to finding excuses not to exercise”

* “I am committed to convincing myself I am too tired when that’s not actually true”

* “I am committed to presenting myself as a victim”

2, Say the unconscious commitment out loud and notice the emotional effect it creates in you. If it feels uncomfortable there’s a good chance you’re on the money!

3, The next step is to repeat the statement out loud over and over, but each time vary the way that you say it. Say it slowly then really quickly. Use a high pitched voice and then a deep low voice. Say it in a sexy voice and then in the style of your favourite cartoon character.
Carry on doing this for a little while and then check back in with your feelings to see how the statement affects you now. This process is very good at ‘de-sensitising’ the unconscious commitment by removing its emotional charge. When you can say the statement without any negative sensations, move on.

4, This is a really important step. Identify the positive intention your unconscious had in giving you this commitment. Ask yourself “What are all the positive ways in which this unconscious commitment has served me?” And with whatever comes up, send your deep gratitude and love to your unconscious for everything it has been trying to do you for doing.

Example: By making me frustrated with my it was trying to get me to have a better work / life balance

5, Create a conscious commitment to override the unconscious one
* I am committed to taking the best care of myself* I am committed to making health and happiness the most important part of my life* I am committed to finding creative ways to exercise even when I’m busy* I am committed to being 100% responsible for myself
Repeat the new commitment out loud over and over until it feels natural and a part of you. Do things to remind yourself of it, like putting post-its around your desk, your home or in your car.

When you catch yourself revisiting that old unconscious commitment, which you inevitably will from time to time, just bring yourself gently back by affirming your new commitment until you feel it in your body.

Take great care. Namaste.

Paul

www.life-happens.co.uk

BE THE CHANGE...

Quotes are such powerful directors of thought. They have the ability to condense big and complex ideas or concepts into short, snappy phrases that cut straight through to the simple truth of things.

One of the quotes that has had the most profound and lasting effect on me comes from Gandhi. He said "You must be the change you wish to see in the world".

When I heard this for the first time I experienced a massive light bulb moment. Everything I had been seeking to learn about how to positively influence the world around me suddenly came together in flash of clarity. That instant I realised that in order for things to get better, I was going to have to get better.

This is what getting better meant to me:

• If I want others to be kind and considered towards me.... I must demonstrate kindness and consideration towards them
• If I wanted them to be motivated... I must show them I am motivated
• If I want to be wealthy... I must give my heartfelt warm wishes to those who are already wealthy (there is no room for hidden jealousy)
• If I want to attract love into my life... I must be the embodiment of love
• If I want harmony in the world... I must be harmonious
• If I want to be appreciated... I must share
• If I want to be heard... I must listen
• If I want to receive... I must give

Like attracts like. Nothing in your life will improve by listing everything that is wrong with the world (or the people in it). The most powerful influencing tool you possess is your ability to be the example of what you desire there to be more of.

People only respond to you in ways that are consistent with the manner in which you present yourself. If you change, then they have to change also to accommodate it. That is the nature of human interaction.

You will rarely make someone see your point of view by arguing with theirs. If you want them to understand you, then understand them. Somewhere along the line there is a truth you can both agree with.

Peace will never be achieved through war. Mother Teresa often refused to take part in anti-war marches, requesting that they should give her a call if they ever decide to walk for peace. This distinction is critical.

Think about the situations and people in your own life. What would being the change you wish to see in the world mean for you? What are you frustrated by? What do you need to be doing, or being, that you have not already that will cause the world to respond more favourably towards you?

CAN'T COMPLAIN (...BUT ONLY FOR A DAY)

There have been many occasions when people have come to me just to sound off about their relationship, or their job, or their position in life, and have expected a certain level of sympathy. Don’t get me wrong, I am a very caring, loving and giving guy, but complaining just doesn’t wash with me. I’m all about taking 100% responsibility. It’s what I teach and it’s what I endeavour to do every moment of every day.

Now, I must tell you that there is a big difference between “getting things off your chest” and complaining. Getting things off your chest is a useful and natural part of day to day life. When you’ve had a manic day and a million things to do and a certain level of pressure has built up inside you, then getting things off your chest or venting your frustrations can be a healthy way of laying your jumbled thoughts out in front of you so that you can gain a clearer perspective of a day that’s now gone. To get things off your chest means to say what’s on your mind with the intention of being able to forget it and move on.

“Man, what a day. You have no idea how busy I’ve been. The phone has not stopped ringing, I’ve had a mountain of work, I barely had time to grab a bite to eat and my feet are killing me.”

Deep breath… and relax. It’s over. You had a need to outwardly express your internal experience and now you’ve don’t it. Now, what’s for dinner?

Another example of getting things off your chest is when someone says or does something that doesn’t sit quite right with you. Perhaps they were talking about you in your absence and you think they may have misrepresented you in some way. You might find an opportunity to take that person to one side and get to the bottom of it.

“I don’t think this is a big issue but something has been on my mind lately about what you might have said to Mary when I wasn’t there”

I get things off my chest all the time. It can be a great enabler of effective communication, certainly better than keeping frustrations bottled up, that’s for sure.

Complaining is an entirely different kettle of fish. Complaining is refusing to let go a disgruntling thought and holding something or someone else accountable for it.

When you complain you are making a statement that things should be another way. Your way! You have an imagined version of a different, better reality that you are using to benchmark against what is really going. And the sad truth about complaining is it is nearly always enforced on the people who can do absolutely nothing about it.

“Let me tell you about my boss. He is such an idiot. He makes my life a misery. He has absolutely no idea how hard I word and all he can do is demanded more and more pointless reports. I’m trapped.”

Does this sound like a person who taking 100% responsibility of their life?

When you complain you effectively give away any power you have within you to change your situation, because it places the problem firmly outside of your own control. But if you were to take a step back a take a good honest look at the situation you will begin to see a much clearer, more palatable reality.

It initially takes courage and openness to recognise that you always have choice but the prize is freedom.

Rather than looking for reasons of why you have to be angry, sad, pissed off, etc, experiment with turning the focus back on yourself. The intention is not beat yourself up, but to simply become curious about the part that you’ve played in generating your experience.

Look for the cause and effect factors that apply to what you have – or haven’t done – that have led you to where you are today. Have you been too permissive? Had you been putting off having a conversation you should have had ages ago? Have you been focusing on the wrong things to bring you happiness? Have you blamed someone else for not doing something you could have easily done yourself? Honestly?

You are the sum of every decision you’ve ever made, every thought you’ve ever had, every conversation, every action or inaction. That’s what defines you.

If you’re unhappy in your relationship, what could you DO right now to make things better? If your boss is an areshole (pardon my French) you have choices. Either address your issues with him/her, or accept that everyone is entitled to their unique style and learn to be ok with that, or get another job! There is always a choice. It may be not your preferred option but if that is what you have control over, then exercise that control. There is no “have to” in life.

Here is a powerful piece of advice that can radically alter the quality of your experience. Have a complaint free day. Just commit to spending an entire 24 hour period where you forget to complain about anything. See what happens. If your focus is not placed on what wrong or who is to blame then it is placed on finding solutions. And you’ll be amazed at how creative you can be when you assume that a solution exists.

If you enjoy your complaint free day, have another one, and another!! I hope you can see why this could be one of the most important decisions you’ll ever make.

As always you have my very warm wishes. Have a wonderful day.


Visit me any time at http://www.life-happens.co.uk/