Podcast: The Secret To Making Great Decisions

The Magic of Not Wanting What You Want

As you would probably expect, working in the field of personal development I get to spend a lot of my time with people talking to them about goal setting and visualisation. I cannot over emphasise the power of positive intention when it comes to manifesting an amazing life, but there is a common trap that too many people fall into while “dreaming their way to success”.

One of the most significant developments in my realisation of what true success requires is the notion of being non-attached to the object or outcome of desire. There really does appear to be a reliable universal law that states good things will flow more readily towards you when you let go of your need of having them.

For many people, including me, it has taken a lot of time and contemplation to completely reconcile with the logic that the best way to get something you want is to not place too much importance on wanting it. We can see how this works out in the subtle examples that we’ve all experienced in our daily lives. An obvious one is when you find that little lost object only after you’ve given up looking for it.

How about when you’ve got yourself so worked up about an upcoming event that the only way of coping with that level of anxiety is to just throw fate to the wind and say “Sod it, whatever happens will happen, let’s just get it over with”, and in the resulting relaxation your experience of that event turns out to be far more positive than you could have imagined.

If you’re a golfer you’ve probably been told that you’ve got a better chance of landing the ball closer to the flag if you do not aim for the flag itself but rather the wider area around it.

Each of these examples demonstrate an important lesson in what your future success is waiting for you to do – let go for your need for it to happen.

When you attach yourself to an outcome and pin all of your hope on it, you might be all excited about achieving the goal, but you’re also buying into the belief that you can’t be truly happy unless that situation pans out the way you want it to. You are unconsciously telling yourself “Right now I’m not complete, but this thing will make me whole”. Without meaning to you have put yourself into a lack mentality and that can make life a lot more difficult than it needs to be.

The problem is not in the goal itself but rather in the attachment to the goal; like your happiness depends on it. This attachment is the equivalent of ‘looking down’ when you are half way up the mountain. It causes you to fantasise about how terrible it will be to fail.

You may have watched the film “The Secret” or learned about the Law of Attraction, where you focus on your desire at the same time as ‘sending our’ your emotional intention to the Universe. Well wanting something too much works in harmony with the opposite law – The Law of Repulsion. Think of a magnet being flipped over so that it repels rather than attracts. Dreaming about your desired outcome is good, but doing it from the confines of a lack mentality will rarely get you closer to where you want to be.

So the big question is how do you let go of your need of things while still encouraging them into your life?

Quite simply, by recognising all of the reasons you can still choose to be happy without the goal having to be met. Everyone has innate happiness in their nature; it just gets a bit covered up with the thought that we are not supposed to feel it until we’ve actually done something to earn it.

The best question I have ever been asked came from the success coach, Michael Neill, and it is this:

What would you want to go after in your life if you knew you didn’t have to be unhappy about not getting it?

It might take you a while to get your head around the meaning of that question but it will eventually lead you to that frame of mind where you can have compelling goals, but without an emotional dependence on them. It is a case of “Yeah, it’ll be great when this happens, but in the mean time I’m just going to be happy anyway”.

This Week’s Homework:

Take some time to completely relax and meditate on what you would like to have in your future life. Let your imagination run riot, as if you can order anything you like from the Universe’s menu.

Put yourself into the scene and experience it as if it is happening right now. What do you see? What can you hear? Totally immerse yourself into the fantasy so that it becomes more and more real for you, and intensify the good feelings.

Stay with it for as long as it feels really good to do so and then imagine pushing your thoughts off into the distance, as if you are instructing the Universe to deal with them for you.

Next spend a few moments contemplating everything you already love about your life. What are you deeply grateful for? What do you have in your life today that you want to continue having for the rest of your days? Really feel that. Smile at it. Then happily get on with the rest of your day.

To your success!

Warm wishes

Paul
http://www.life-happens.co.uk/

CAN'T COMPLAIN (...BUT ONLY FOR A DAY)

There have been many occasions when people have come to me just to sound off about their relationship, or their job, or their position in life, and have expected a certain level of sympathy. Don’t get me wrong, I am a very caring, loving and giving guy, but complaining just doesn’t wash with me. I’m all about taking 100% responsibility. It’s what I teach and it’s what I endeavour to do every moment of every day.

Now, I must tell you that there is a big difference between “getting things off your chest” and complaining. Getting things off your chest is a useful and natural part of day to day life. When you’ve had a manic day and a million things to do and a certain level of pressure has built up inside you, then getting things off your chest or venting your frustrations can be a healthy way of laying your jumbled thoughts out in front of you so that you can gain a clearer perspective of a day that’s now gone. To get things off your chest means to say what’s on your mind with the intention of being able to forget it and move on.

“Man, what a day. You have no idea how busy I’ve been. The phone has not stopped ringing, I’ve had a mountain of work, I barely had time to grab a bite to eat and my feet are killing me.”

Deep breath… and relax. It’s over. You had a need to outwardly express your internal experience and now you’ve don’t it. Now, what’s for dinner?

Another example of getting things off your chest is when someone says or does something that doesn’t sit quite right with you. Perhaps they were talking about you in your absence and you think they may have misrepresented you in some way. You might find an opportunity to take that person to one side and get to the bottom of it.

“I don’t think this is a big issue but something has been on my mind lately about what you might have said to Mary when I wasn’t there”

I get things off my chest all the time. It can be a great enabler of effective communication, certainly better than keeping frustrations bottled up, that’s for sure.

Complaining is an entirely different kettle of fish. Complaining is refusing to let go a disgruntling thought and holding something or someone else accountable for it.

When you complain you are making a statement that things should be another way. Your way! You have an imagined version of a different, better reality that you are using to benchmark against what is really going. And the sad truth about complaining is it is nearly always enforced on the people who can do absolutely nothing about it.

“Let me tell you about my boss. He is such an idiot. He makes my life a misery. He has absolutely no idea how hard I word and all he can do is demanded more and more pointless reports. I’m trapped.”

Does this sound like a person who taking 100% responsibility of their life?

When you complain you effectively give away any power you have within you to change your situation, because it places the problem firmly outside of your own control. But if you were to take a step back a take a good honest look at the situation you will begin to see a much clearer, more palatable reality.

It initially takes courage and openness to recognise that you always have choice but the prize is freedom.

Rather than looking for reasons of why you have to be angry, sad, pissed off, etc, experiment with turning the focus back on yourself. The intention is not beat yourself up, but to simply become curious about the part that you’ve played in generating your experience.

Look for the cause and effect factors that apply to what you have – or haven’t done – that have led you to where you are today. Have you been too permissive? Had you been putting off having a conversation you should have had ages ago? Have you been focusing on the wrong things to bring you happiness? Have you blamed someone else for not doing something you could have easily done yourself? Honestly?

You are the sum of every decision you’ve ever made, every thought you’ve ever had, every conversation, every action or inaction. That’s what defines you.

If you’re unhappy in your relationship, what could you DO right now to make things better? If your boss is an areshole (pardon my French) you have choices. Either address your issues with him/her, or accept that everyone is entitled to their unique style and learn to be ok with that, or get another job! There is always a choice. It may be not your preferred option but if that is what you have control over, then exercise that control. There is no “have to” in life.

Here is a powerful piece of advice that can radically alter the quality of your experience. Have a complaint free day. Just commit to spending an entire 24 hour period where you forget to complain about anything. See what happens. If your focus is not placed on what wrong or who is to blame then it is placed on finding solutions. And you’ll be amazed at how creative you can be when you assume that a solution exists.

If you enjoy your complaint free day, have another one, and another!! I hope you can see why this could be one of the most important decisions you’ll ever make.

As always you have my very warm wishes. Have a wonderful day.


Visit me any time at http://www.life-happens.co.uk/

FOCUS ON WHAT YOU WANT

“Whether you think you can or think you can’t, you’re right.” - Henry Ford

The words you use to communicate with yourself have an enormously powerful effect on your nervous system. They can build you up or they can knock you down. That little voice in your head that chatters away to you all day long plays a major part in determining the quality of your self-image which, in turn, is responsible for telling you what you think of yourself.

Your subconscious pays attention to what ever you say to yourself and, be it true or not, acts on your communication as if it’s an undeniable fact. Therefore, when you say something like “I can’t do it”, your subconscious instructs your nervous system to respond appropriately and shuts off access to the parts of you that potentially can do it. If on the other hand you were to say, “I’m committed to improving my current ability”, you set yourself up to create possibilities that otherwise would have been ignored.

Questions can be even more destructive if used negatively. For example, if you were to ask yourself, “Why does this always happen to me?”, not only are you likely to be making an over generalisation, but your subconscious will dutifully go on a search and seek out any evidence that supports you in believing the notion to be correct, even if it has to make some stuff up!!! Alternatively, a more positively phrased question such as “how could I change my approach to get a better result?” causes you to shift your attention away from failure and toward success.

There is an expression in my line of work that says, “You always get more of what you focus on”. This can be applied to any area of your life. Too many people focus on what they do not want to happen: “I don’t want to be fat”, “I don’t want to be poor”, “I don’t want to look stupid”… However, in order to know what it is that you don’t want in your life you first have to make a vivid representation of it in your head. The pictures you paint in your mind are even more powerful than words you use. Your subconscious always interprets mental images as targets to aim for, even if the image is not your desired outcome. The more you think in these terms the stronger you will be subconsciously steered towards the very thing you want to avoid.

If athletes give their best performances by imagining themselves winning over and over again, why not start instructing your subconscious to go and get the things you desire by focusing your attention on exactly what you do want to happen? Let yourself daydream about how great life could be if all your self directed communication and imagination were creating the opportunities you need to live your wildest dreams.

COMMIT TO A SIMPLE PHILOSOPHY

Anyone who has ever committed to developing their inner self will know that taking the road less traveled is not always easy. Of course, the intention of embarking on such a journey is to arrive at simplicity in your life, where you are at peace with yourself and a lover of reality. Getting there, however, can involve more questions that answers and inevitably presents challenges that can lead to confusion and frustration.

There is a lot of help out there. There are many teachers, trainers, coaches, therapists and leaders who can provide you with the map of how to get you to where you want to go, but too much information is sometimes counter productive. Simplicity is the key.

Where there are a million ways of learning a lesson, find the ONE that works for you. You do not have to digest the wisdom of every teacher you come across, only the one who seems to connect with you as if they know you. That teacher may communicate to you through a book, a website, a class, a friendship, or where ever. There seems to be a natural law that states the most truthful philosophies are also the most uncomplicated. Commit to learning simple lessons and live them 100%.

The following is a brief summary of a very simple philosophy for life, by Don Miguel Ruiz; he calls them The Four Agreements. There is nothing complicated here, but if you were to become the living embodiment of these principles you’d surely be living a very joyous life indeed!

1. Be Impeccable With Your Word. Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

2. Don't Take Anything Personally. Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.

3. Don't Make Assumptions. Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

4. Always Do Your Best. Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.

FIND YOUR PASSION AND GET UP EARLY

I have noticed a strange thing about me lately; I am spending a lot less time in bed and a lot more time working, and I love it! If you’d have told me 3 or 4 years back that this would be the case I would have thought you were nuts, because I was hypnotised by the story I was telling myself about how I was too busy trying to make ends meet to be successful at the things I really wanted to accomplish in my life. The irony is that I was so exhausted from chasing my tail, getting nowhere fast, that I was spending hours longer in bed than I do today.

So what changed? I woke up to the reality that if I actually wanted to make my goals happen I was going to have to take action every single day, and that would involve creating the spare time that I had been convinced didn’t exist. I realised that the only time available to me was the time I was wasting comatosed in my pit, so I committed to getting up earlier to start taking those steps toward a better, more fulfilling life.

What I discovered is as soon as I got into the habit of getting up and taking action straight away the result of my efforts was a real sense that I was finally getting somewhere. This caused me to get even more passionate and it wasn’t long before I looked forward to getting up early just so I could continue working.

What a transformation! I had gone from someone who could barely open his eyes until lunch time to a guy who enthusiastically leaps out of bed at the crack of dawn to make life happen just the way he wants it to. It just so happens that first thing in the morning turns out to be when I’m at my most productive and creative, so I have learned to harness that energy for making the kind of decisions that drive my business forward. Having great ideas early in the morning means it is easy to map out the actions I need to take during the day. Each and every day I get to live a life that looks a little bit more like the one I originally envisioned and it all started by simply getting up earlier in the morning and connecting with the idea of a lifestyle I am passionate about.

I am a million percent confident that anyone – ANYONE – can live an inspired life that fulfils them in every way, and two vital ingredients are Time and Passion. What small steps could you take each day to lead you toward a life that you are passionate about? If your goal is that metaphorical journey of a thousand miles you’d better take that first single step pretty soon. Time won’t wait. Set your alarm an hour earlier and get cracking with whatever is helpful and productive for you: Do some research; work on your plan; meditate on your desired outcome; write a list of crazy ideas; keep a journal to track your progress; write a blog! It doesn’t matter what you do as long as it is connected with your goals and ensures that forward momentum.

You have to make this a habit and that means pushing through any resistance for about three weeks. After this, getting up motivated will feel as natural as breathing. You’ll get good at deciding what actions really work for you, and eventually 80% of your success will come from 20% of your efforts. Now isn’t that life worth getting up early for?

"Make Life Happen just the way you want it to": www.life-happens.co.uk

SOPHISTICATION

This is a great gem from the great Jim Rohn. So many times I find myself thinking long and hard about how to wrap the complexities of human behaviour into easy to understand metaphors.... and then you get the likes of Jim Rohn who come along and so elegantly hit the nail right on the head!! I hope you enjoy this short peice from Jim about what sophisticated people know, that other's don't:


Most people are just trying to get through the day. Sophisticated people learn how to get from the day.

Sophistication is understanding the difference between trinkets and treasures.

Don't spend major money on minor things. In the last ten years the guy has bought two tons of donuts and only two books – and the books are primarily filled with pictures.

Sophisticated people don't leave early. The man says, "Yeah, but I want to beat the traffic." Isn't that a great skill to have - beating the traffic!

It doesn't take a million dollars to learn the difference between a bottle of fine wine and a Pepsi. Sophistication is a study not an amount.

One of the early signs of sophistication is not giving way to all inclinations but rather sending your emotions to school so they will learn how to behave.

Money doesn't make you sophisticated. Only study and practice make you sophisticated. Even people of modest means can become sophisticated because it is within study and practice. How much is a night out at the symphony? About thirty dollars. You say, "Poor people can't afford thirty dollars to go to the symphony." Yes, they can. It's only thirty Hershey bars!

We must teach our children not to spend their money a dollar at a time. If you spend your money a dollar at a time, you´ll wind up with trinkets instead of treasures. You can´t buy much of value a dollar at a time.

The Four Emotions That Can Lead To Life Change

by Jim Rohn

Emotions are the most powerful forces inside us. Under the power of emotions, human beings can perform the most heroic (as well as barbaric) acts. To a great degree, civilization itself can be defined as the intelligent channeling of human emotion. Emotions are fuel and the mind is the pilot, which together propel the ship of civilized progress.

Which emotions cause people to act? There are four basic ones. Each, or a combination of several, can trigger the most incredible activity. The day that you allow these emotions to fuel your desire is the day you'll turn your life around.

1) DISGUST

One does not usually equate the word "disgust" with positive action. And yet properly channeled, disgust can change a person's life. The person who feels disgusted has reached a point of no return. He or she is ready to throw down the gauntlet at life and say, "I've had it!" That's what I said after many humiliating experiences at age 25. I said, "I don't want to live like this anymore. I've had it with being broke. I've had it with being embarrassed, and I've had it with lying."

Yes, productive feelings of disgust come when a person says, "Enough is enough."
The "guy" has finally had it with mediocrity. He's had it with those awful sick feelings of fear, pain and humiliation. He then decides he is not going to live like this anymore. Look out! This could be the day that turns a life around. Call it what you will, the "I've had it" day, the "never again" day, the "enough is enough" day. Whatever you call it, it's powerful! There is nothing so life-changing as gut-wrenching disgust!

2) DECISION

Most of us need to be pushed to the wall to make decisions. And once we reach this point, we have to deal with the conflicting emotions that come with making them. We have reached a fork in the road. Now this fork can be a two- prong, three-prong, or even a four-prong fork. No wonder that decision-making can create knots in stomachs, keep us awake in the middle of the night, or make us break out in a cold sweat.

Making life-changing decisions can be likened to internal civil war. Conflicting armies of emotions, each with its own arsenal of reasons, battle each other for supremacy of our minds. And our resulting decisions, whether bold or timid, well thought out or impulsive, can either set the course of action or blind it. I don't have much advice to give you about decision-making except this:

Whatever you do, don't camp at the fork in the road. Decide. It's far better to make a wrong decision than to not make one at all. Each of us must confront our emotional turmoil and sort out our feelings.

3) DESIRE

How does one gain desire? I don't think I can answer this directly because there are many ways. But I do know two things about desire:

a. It comes from the inside not the outside.
b. It can be triggered by outside forces.

Almost anything can trigger desire. It's a matter of timing as much as preparation. It might be a song that tugs at the heart. It might be a memorable sermon. It might be a movie, a conversation with a friend, a confrontation with the enemy, or a bitter experience. Even a book or an article such as this one can trigger the inner mechanism that will make some people say, "I want it now!"

Therefore, while searching for your "hot button" of pure, raw desire, welcome into your life each positive experience. Don't erect a wall to protect you from experiencing life. The same wall that keeps out your disappointment also keeps out the sunlight of enriching experiences. So let life touch you. The next touch could be the one that turns your life around.

4) RESOLVE

Resolve says, "I will." These two words are among the most potent in the English language. I WILL. Benjamin Disraeli, the great British statesman, once said, "Nothing can resist a human will that will stake even its existence on the extent of its purpose." In other words, when someone resolves to "do or die," nothing can stop him.

The mountain climber says, "I will climb the mountain. They've told me it's too high, it's too far, it's too steep, it's too rocky, it's too difficult. But it's my mountain. I will climb it. You'll soon see me waving from the top or you'll never see me, because unless I reach the peak, I'm not coming back." Who can argue with such resolve?
When confronted with such iron-will determination, I can see Time, Fate and Circumstance calling a hasty conference and deciding, "We might as well let him have his dream. He's said he's going to get there or die trying."

The best definition for "resolve" I've ever heard came from a schoolgirl in Foster City, California. I was lecturing about success to a group of bright kids at a junior high school. I asked, "Who can tell me what "resolve" means?" Several hands went up, and I did get some pretty good definitions. But the last was the best. A shy girl from the back of the room got up and said with quiet intensity, "I think resolve means promising yourself you will never give up." That's it! That's the best definition I've ever heard: PROMISE YOURSELF YOU'LL NEVER GIVE UP.

Think about it! How long should a baby try to learn how to walk? How long would you give the average baby before you say, "That's it, you've had your chance"? You say that's crazy? Of course it is. Any mother would say, "My baby is going to keep trying until he learns how to walk!" No wonder everyone walks.
There is a vital lesson in this. Ask yourself, "How long am I going to work to make my dreams come true?" I suggest you answer, "As long as it takes." That's what these four emotions are all about.