“Life is what you think it is, and gives you what you dare to dream it will.” - Anon
One of the aspects of the human condition that I find fascinating is the way that we overcome the challenges in our lives tends to be consistent with how easy or difficult we first imagine those challenges to be. We pre-empt the obstacles that are like to present difficulties, and run a mental rehearsal of our ability to deal with them. Of course, this is a very handy skill to have if you use that rehearsal time wisely, to solve any potential problems before they occur. But if it conjures up images of you getting stuck and frustrated then that is likely to act as precursor for you getting stuck and frustrated in reality.
Barry Kaufman (founder of the Option Institute) once said, “The eye sees what it brings to seeing”, and I think that sums things up perfectly. The moment we predict something is going to be hard, we engage in a search for all the evidence we can find to back-up our assumption. - “I believe life is a struggle, and just to prove it here I am struggling”
So here is a nice little exercise to get your brain accessing the parts of your wisdom that make triumphing over challenges seem effortless.
Exercise:
1, Think about a specific challenge you have that you feel is preventing you to achieving the kind of results you want. Make a statement out of it. Examples:
“It is going to be difficult to learn this new skill.”
“I’m no good at managing money.”
“People are not interested in what I have to say”.
2, Turn that statement around so that it has an opposite meaning. Play around with a few opposites until you find one that feels right and you want to work with. E.g. for some people it might be, “Learning this new skill is going to be a breeze.” For others it might be “Learning is a natural part of who I am”
3, Add this sentence starter onto the end of your statement:
“And I know that’s true because…”
4, Finish that sentence with as many ‘real’ pieces of evidence as you can think of. I’d suggest at least five, but encourage you to keep going and going.
“Learning this new skill is going to be a breeze, and I know that’s true because….
… skilfulness has more to do with practice than talent”
… I’ve seen other people doing it well, so I know it is very possible for me too”
… there is an abundance of people who will help me if I ask”
… I am willing to keep going with enthusiasm”
… there are many skills I can do easily now that I once found challenging”
Namaste
Paul
Showing posts with label communication. Show all posts
Showing posts with label communication. Show all posts
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Friday, July 24, 2009
Friday, February 13, 2009
Just How Do You DO Happiness?
In one of my personal development workshops I get my students to close their eyes and imagine, in vivid detail, one of their happiest memories, and to fully re-living it in that moment. It is amazing to witness the instant transformation in their facial expressions and body language as their nervous systems kick back into happy mode. I then ask them what actually changed in the outside world while they were doing that. Of course the answer is nothing, but isn't it interesting how easily they were able to access deep feelings of joy without there having to be an outside cause?
When was the last time you felt really happy for no reason whatsoever?
The term 'The Human Race' is very apt because metaphorically speaking we seem to think of our happiness as being out there in front of us and that we must race to catch up with it. We use language like 'chasing our dreams', and 'the pursuit of happiness', which on the surface seems like very exciting things to be involved in, but it also presupposes that happiness is somewhere off in the distance and that we are lagging behind. We immerse ourselves in an "I'll be happy when..." mentality, in which we are convinced that happiness will arrive in the form of that next promotion, or the bigger house, the perfect relationship, or that lottery win.
We also tend to think of happiness as being an 'it' - a something that has a form - like one day there will be a knock at the door and the FedEx guy will say "Hi, who's gonna to sign for this box of happiness?"
But look at a child. Children are much smarter than adults when it comes to being happy. For them it is just a state of being. They don't place conditions on when they will and when they won't feel it. As long as they're not hungry, in pain, or being told off, they are happy. It's their default program. And it is meant to be your default program too. The thing is, at some stage in a child's development they start copying what the adults do. They buy into our cultural idea that, actually, you can't just have your happiness, you have to earn it. You have to prove that you are worthy of it. If you work hard enough at working hard then one day just might get lots of nice things that will 'make' you happy, but you have to deserve it.
Of course we all know what happiness feels like, and we do encounter many happy times throughout our lives - marriages, births, birthdays, holidays, parties... It can even take us by surprise sometimes, like when you are out in nature and suddenly you are filled with a strong and comforting sense of connectedness with the world around you. This kind of happiness is great, but it is a fair weather friend; it comes when the going is good and shoots off again when the party is over. But a lot of people settle for it because they're promised to a more permanent kind of happiness - they just have to wait for the future to arrive!
The real truth about happiness is that do not have to wait for it happen to you. You do not have to be in the right place at the right time. You do not have to keep gambling with life until it comes knocking at your door. You have all the resources you need already within you to turn it on at will. It's like a switch. If you are stood in a darkened room you have the choice to flick the switch and turn the light on, but in order to do that you must first know that the switch is there and that you have the ability to control it.
Your happiness switch is exactly the same. You must recognise that it there for you to use at any moment and that you can control it with the belief that it is only ever your thoughts and attitudes that light up your world.
Happiness brings with it the kind of creativity, openness and clarity that makes any task seem almost effortless. Work stops feeling like work as soon as you go about your business with a genuine inner smile. But why do most people find this so hard to do?
It's because somewhere along the line we learned that we cannot be truly happy unless there is a reason to be happy. We introduce criteria that must be met before we will allow ourselves to let happiness in and feel ok about having it. Some people have even learned to attach guilt to their happiness. "Why should I feel happy while others still suffer?"
There's a very quirky thing about us humans, and that is that we can become very suspicious of other people who do not appear to have a good enough reason for their blatant displays of happiness. Whenever someone asks how I am I will usually say something like "I'm great" or "fantastic", to which the next question is often "Why, what's up?" I'll say "Nothing, I just feel good", and then enjoy the confused look on their face as they let out a slow "Riiiiiiiiight!"
The thing that really throws a spanner in the works of the common belief about happiness is that actually you can have it whenever you want it, and you don't have to do a thing to earn it. Because 'it' isn't an 'it' at all, it's a function of the human condition that serves a very practical purpose. As Michael Neil would put it, to ask if you deserve happiness is like asking if you deserve a nose. "Well....eeerrrrr.... I have a nose, but I don't know what I've done to deserve it". It sounds silly, doesn't it?
The key to having your happiness now rather than later is to know that happiness is not something that happens to you, it is something that you do. You must let go of the idea that happiness is a reward for good behaviour or that you must be worthy of it. You must also accept that your happiness is not on that ship that you're waiting on to come in. It is the ocean in which the ship sails, so if you want it, dive in and learn how to swim. In other words, your life is your happiness and you just need to start responding more happily towards it.
Numerous scientific studies into whether success leads to happiness shows that there is no quantifiable evidence to suggest that it does. What has been highlighted though, is that people who already experience high levels of happiness are significantly more likely to become successful later. Interesting! Happiness leads to success, not the other way around. Who'd have thought?
What this tells us is that genuine authentic happiness is unconditional. It is not out there. It is in here, and always has been. Happiness is only ever the result of your attitude and your behaviour, and learning to nurture it unconditionally gives you much more than just a good feeling; it makes your whole life run a lot smoother. That's nature's plan.
The only reason you ever need to be happy is that it allows you to get things done in a really efficient way. The most successful people learn to master the simple notion of being happy in the moment, not just because it feels good, but because being happy puts them into their most resourceful and productive state. I consider happiness to be a vital tool in the work I do because I am committed to producing the best quality output I am capable of. I know I can only achieve that if I am in a happy mood. Whether I'm running a workshop, writing an article, recording some audio, or coaching someone one on one, I will always spend a few moments up front getting myself into a happy frame of mind, because that's how I need to be for my best work to come out. Things just seem to flow better, I'm more creative, I see the bigger picture, and here's the really interesting bit, I encounter fewer obstacles.
I have spent countless hours studying the different philosophies about what happiness is and, while the various teachings use different kinds of language and terminology, they all agree that happiness does not wait on time, it waits on welcome. You may as well just open the door and let it in because it's already here, just waiting for your invitation.
"But hang on a minute, Paul. Surely it's unrealistic to be happy all the time. What about when you really do have problems. Sometimes, things just piss you off. That's life!"
Absolutely, life happens, and it doesn't always happen the way we want it to. It is the most natural thing in the world to feel unhappy, angry or sad in certain circumstances, and it is right and proper that we do feel that sometimes. But the problem comes when we habituate into these negative feelings; when being pissed off or grumpy becomes your standard response to most things.
There is nothing that you can achieve in an agitated frame of mind that you cannot do better with happiness.
There are two things you can choose to do to enjoy feeling more happiness more often.
1. WORK ON YOUR EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE
Just like happiness, all feelings have a practical purpose, even the bad ones. They are signals from you unconscious mind as to whether or not life is happening the way you want it to. Bad moods are not designed to just give you the experience of feeling miserable. If you listen closely to what they are telling you then you will always be able to find a much quicker route back to happiness. Negative emotions are like the warning lights on the dashboard of you car. They are a call to action. When the petrol light comes on, that is not a signal for your car to become depressed, it is a sign that action needs to be taken to get fuel. When you add more petrol the light goes out. The moment you bring your conscious attention to the cause of the feeling, and realise what actions needs to be taken to redress the balance, then its job is done. It no longer serves any useful purpose.
It is critical to acknowledge all of your feelings and not to mask them with a fake happiness. If you just cover them up with a painted-on smile then their simmer will turn into a boil and eventually the pot will overflow. Remember, they have a message they want you to know about, so stop and take the time to listen. Ask yourself, "Why might I be feeling like this in this situation? What is it trying to suggest?" And it's important to focus on the areas in which you have an element of control. It is no good to say "Well, it's suggesting that Bob is a pillock!" Get clear about the steps that will lead you away from frustration and toward a solution that feels better. As soon as you get an answer then exercise whatever control you have and decide to let go of the negativity around it. Ask yourself the question, "Now that I know what to do to sort this out, is it possible and acceptable for me to do it happily?" You'll be surprised how easy it is when you are willing.
2. GET TO KNOW THE PHYSIOLOGY OF HAPPINESS
Happiness has two parts: the internal experience of joy and the physical aliveness in your body. You've probably noticed that when you are down your body language becomes an outward symbol of how you feel inside. It becomes slouched, tensed and heavy and lacks signs of energy. When you are happy you stand taller and have a more open airy posture. Often the quickest way out of a negative mood is simply to move and adopt a more empowering body language. This sends a very clear signal to your brain that it is time to start feeling happier. Try this out for yourself the next time you are being a bit of a grump. Stand up straight, stick your chest out, and put a deliberate smile on your face. Your nervous system can only respond in a positive way to this kind of instruction from your physiology, that's just the way we work!
Be happy everyone!
www.life-happens.co.uk
When was the last time you felt really happy for no reason whatsoever?
The term 'The Human Race' is very apt because metaphorically speaking we seem to think of our happiness as being out there in front of us and that we must race to catch up with it. We use language like 'chasing our dreams', and 'the pursuit of happiness', which on the surface seems like very exciting things to be involved in, but it also presupposes that happiness is somewhere off in the distance and that we are lagging behind. We immerse ourselves in an "I'll be happy when..." mentality, in which we are convinced that happiness will arrive in the form of that next promotion, or the bigger house, the perfect relationship, or that lottery win.
We also tend to think of happiness as being an 'it' - a something that has a form - like one day there will be a knock at the door and the FedEx guy will say "Hi, who's gonna to sign for this box of happiness?"
But look at a child. Children are much smarter than adults when it comes to being happy. For them it is just a state of being. They don't place conditions on when they will and when they won't feel it. As long as they're not hungry, in pain, or being told off, they are happy. It's their default program. And it is meant to be your default program too. The thing is, at some stage in a child's development they start copying what the adults do. They buy into our cultural idea that, actually, you can't just have your happiness, you have to earn it. You have to prove that you are worthy of it. If you work hard enough at working hard then one day just might get lots of nice things that will 'make' you happy, but you have to deserve it.
Of course we all know what happiness feels like, and we do encounter many happy times throughout our lives - marriages, births, birthdays, holidays, parties... It can even take us by surprise sometimes, like when you are out in nature and suddenly you are filled with a strong and comforting sense of connectedness with the world around you. This kind of happiness is great, but it is a fair weather friend; it comes when the going is good and shoots off again when the party is over. But a lot of people settle for it because they're promised to a more permanent kind of happiness - they just have to wait for the future to arrive!
The real truth about happiness is that do not have to wait for it happen to you. You do not have to be in the right place at the right time. You do not have to keep gambling with life until it comes knocking at your door. You have all the resources you need already within you to turn it on at will. It's like a switch. If you are stood in a darkened room you have the choice to flick the switch and turn the light on, but in order to do that you must first know that the switch is there and that you have the ability to control it.
Your happiness switch is exactly the same. You must recognise that it there for you to use at any moment and that you can control it with the belief that it is only ever your thoughts and attitudes that light up your world.
Happiness brings with it the kind of creativity, openness and clarity that makes any task seem almost effortless. Work stops feeling like work as soon as you go about your business with a genuine inner smile. But why do most people find this so hard to do?
It's because somewhere along the line we learned that we cannot be truly happy unless there is a reason to be happy. We introduce criteria that must be met before we will allow ourselves to let happiness in and feel ok about having it. Some people have even learned to attach guilt to their happiness. "Why should I feel happy while others still suffer?"
There's a very quirky thing about us humans, and that is that we can become very suspicious of other people who do not appear to have a good enough reason for their blatant displays of happiness. Whenever someone asks how I am I will usually say something like "I'm great" or "fantastic", to which the next question is often "Why, what's up?" I'll say "Nothing, I just feel good", and then enjoy the confused look on their face as they let out a slow "Riiiiiiiiight!"
The thing that really throws a spanner in the works of the common belief about happiness is that actually you can have it whenever you want it, and you don't have to do a thing to earn it. Because 'it' isn't an 'it' at all, it's a function of the human condition that serves a very practical purpose. As Michael Neil would put it, to ask if you deserve happiness is like asking if you deserve a nose. "Well....eeerrrrr.... I have a nose, but I don't know what I've done to deserve it". It sounds silly, doesn't it?
The key to having your happiness now rather than later is to know that happiness is not something that happens to you, it is something that you do. You must let go of the idea that happiness is a reward for good behaviour or that you must be worthy of it. You must also accept that your happiness is not on that ship that you're waiting on to come in. It is the ocean in which the ship sails, so if you want it, dive in and learn how to swim. In other words, your life is your happiness and you just need to start responding more happily towards it.
Numerous scientific studies into whether success leads to happiness shows that there is no quantifiable evidence to suggest that it does. What has been highlighted though, is that people who already experience high levels of happiness are significantly more likely to become successful later. Interesting! Happiness leads to success, not the other way around. Who'd have thought?
What this tells us is that genuine authentic happiness is unconditional. It is not out there. It is in here, and always has been. Happiness is only ever the result of your attitude and your behaviour, and learning to nurture it unconditionally gives you much more than just a good feeling; it makes your whole life run a lot smoother. That's nature's plan.
The only reason you ever need to be happy is that it allows you to get things done in a really efficient way. The most successful people learn to master the simple notion of being happy in the moment, not just because it feels good, but because being happy puts them into their most resourceful and productive state. I consider happiness to be a vital tool in the work I do because I am committed to producing the best quality output I am capable of. I know I can only achieve that if I am in a happy mood. Whether I'm running a workshop, writing an article, recording some audio, or coaching someone one on one, I will always spend a few moments up front getting myself into a happy frame of mind, because that's how I need to be for my best work to come out. Things just seem to flow better, I'm more creative, I see the bigger picture, and here's the really interesting bit, I encounter fewer obstacles.
I have spent countless hours studying the different philosophies about what happiness is and, while the various teachings use different kinds of language and terminology, they all agree that happiness does not wait on time, it waits on welcome. You may as well just open the door and let it in because it's already here, just waiting for your invitation.
"But hang on a minute, Paul. Surely it's unrealistic to be happy all the time. What about when you really do have problems. Sometimes, things just piss you off. That's life!"
Absolutely, life happens, and it doesn't always happen the way we want it to. It is the most natural thing in the world to feel unhappy, angry or sad in certain circumstances, and it is right and proper that we do feel that sometimes. But the problem comes when we habituate into these negative feelings; when being pissed off or grumpy becomes your standard response to most things.
There is nothing that you can achieve in an agitated frame of mind that you cannot do better with happiness.
There are two things you can choose to do to enjoy feeling more happiness more often.
1. WORK ON YOUR EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE
Just like happiness, all feelings have a practical purpose, even the bad ones. They are signals from you unconscious mind as to whether or not life is happening the way you want it to. Bad moods are not designed to just give you the experience of feeling miserable. If you listen closely to what they are telling you then you will always be able to find a much quicker route back to happiness. Negative emotions are like the warning lights on the dashboard of you car. They are a call to action. When the petrol light comes on, that is not a signal for your car to become depressed, it is a sign that action needs to be taken to get fuel. When you add more petrol the light goes out. The moment you bring your conscious attention to the cause of the feeling, and realise what actions needs to be taken to redress the balance, then its job is done. It no longer serves any useful purpose.
It is critical to acknowledge all of your feelings and not to mask them with a fake happiness. If you just cover them up with a painted-on smile then their simmer will turn into a boil and eventually the pot will overflow. Remember, they have a message they want you to know about, so stop and take the time to listen. Ask yourself, "Why might I be feeling like this in this situation? What is it trying to suggest?" And it's important to focus on the areas in which you have an element of control. It is no good to say "Well, it's suggesting that Bob is a pillock!" Get clear about the steps that will lead you away from frustration and toward a solution that feels better. As soon as you get an answer then exercise whatever control you have and decide to let go of the negativity around it. Ask yourself the question, "Now that I know what to do to sort this out, is it possible and acceptable for me to do it happily?" You'll be surprised how easy it is when you are willing.
2. GET TO KNOW THE PHYSIOLOGY OF HAPPINESS
Happiness has two parts: the internal experience of joy and the physical aliveness in your body. You've probably noticed that when you are down your body language becomes an outward symbol of how you feel inside. It becomes slouched, tensed and heavy and lacks signs of energy. When you are happy you stand taller and have a more open airy posture. Often the quickest way out of a negative mood is simply to move and adopt a more empowering body language. This sends a very clear signal to your brain that it is time to start feeling happier. Try this out for yourself the next time you are being a bit of a grump. Stand up straight, stick your chest out, and put a deliberate smile on your face. Your nervous system can only respond in a positive way to this kind of instruction from your physiology, that's just the way we work!
Be happy everyone!
www.life-happens.co.uk
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
The Secret To Making Good Decisions
How many times in your life have you put off doing something because you couldn’t decide the best course of action to take? I’ve known people plan to go out for a well earned meal with their partner and end up staying at home because they couldn’t make up their mind between Chinese or Italian. Heaven help the person who orders sweet and sour chicken when all along they should have been having lasagne! Can you imagine what it is like for them to choose between a staying in their job or take a gamble on starting that business they always dreamed of?
The fear of making bad decisions prevents people from doing all kinds of things that they might be better off doing. The truth of the matter is there is no way of knowing which direction a particular choice is going to take you. You can spend years ruminating over every possible outcome while in the mean time watching the world move on around you. It doesn’t change the fact that, no matter what you choose to do in the end, it might all turn out right and it might all turn out not so right.
But none of that matters because the secret to making great decisions is falling in love with making mistakes.
A lot of people will not make the distinction between making a mistake and making a bad decision, but there is a world of difference, and realising what that difference is can literally turn your life around and set you on a whole new path.
A mistake is literally doing something in a moment that you think is for the best but later turns out to be not such a good idea for you. A bad decision is doing nothing to correct that mistake and then letting the consequences of it define you for ages afterwards.
Here are a few of examples:
Mistake = Getting into a relationship with the wrong person
Bad Decision = Sticking with them and being miserable for the rest of your life
Mistake = Choosing Bognor Regis rather than Cuba for your annual holiday
Bad Decision = Looking for everything you can find to hate about Bognor just to prove you were right about how you should have gone to Cuba! And then going back to Bognor next year! (Bognor is a wonderful place by the way :o)
Mistake = Going into business without having some sort of a plan
Bad Decision = Injecting more and more of your personal finance, sweat and tears into it just to prove you can make the damn thing work.
Making a good decision is not about knowing the outcome before it has had a chance to happen. It is about committing to ANY course of action you FEEL is for the best and then paying attention to the lessons you are later presented with. It is the skill of interpreting the information generated by what has happened and choosing to either do more of the same or change your approach – even start again in some cases. In the same way that an aeroplane reaches its destination by continually measuring how off track it is from the set flight path and adjusting its course to get back on track, the same is true for good decision making.
Making a decision in any area is not a one time event; it is an ongoing and organic process that must evolve as life unfolds.
Today’s Homework:
Think about a decision you have been putting off making. What are the possible choices you have?
Just for a moment, let go of analysing which choice you think you should make and just listen to your body; your intuition. If I were to flip a coin and the rules were Heads you choose option A and Tails you go with option B, which side would you secretly hope for, deep down, before knowing the outcome?
Just go with your instinct and do something to start to make that choice happen. Be willing to make a mistake, knowing that the only bad decision you can ever make is to not do something about the things you didn’t want to happen.
If things go wrong be willing to make a mistake in the opposite direction because, who knows, it might turn out to not be a mistake after all, but rather the realisation of your dream!
No matter what your situation you always have choice. Don’t worry about having to choose wisely, that’s overrated.
The fear of making bad decisions prevents people from doing all kinds of things that they might be better off doing. The truth of the matter is there is no way of knowing which direction a particular choice is going to take you. You can spend years ruminating over every possible outcome while in the mean time watching the world move on around you. It doesn’t change the fact that, no matter what you choose to do in the end, it might all turn out right and it might all turn out not so right.
But none of that matters because the secret to making great decisions is falling in love with making mistakes.
A lot of people will not make the distinction between making a mistake and making a bad decision, but there is a world of difference, and realising what that difference is can literally turn your life around and set you on a whole new path.
A mistake is literally doing something in a moment that you think is for the best but later turns out to be not such a good idea for you. A bad decision is doing nothing to correct that mistake and then letting the consequences of it define you for ages afterwards.
Here are a few of examples:
Mistake = Getting into a relationship with the wrong person
Bad Decision = Sticking with them and being miserable for the rest of your life
Mistake = Choosing Bognor Regis rather than Cuba for your annual holiday
Bad Decision = Looking for everything you can find to hate about Bognor just to prove you were right about how you should have gone to Cuba! And then going back to Bognor next year! (Bognor is a wonderful place by the way :o)
Mistake = Going into business without having some sort of a plan
Bad Decision = Injecting more and more of your personal finance, sweat and tears into it just to prove you can make the damn thing work.
Making a good decision is not about knowing the outcome before it has had a chance to happen. It is about committing to ANY course of action you FEEL is for the best and then paying attention to the lessons you are later presented with. It is the skill of interpreting the information generated by what has happened and choosing to either do more of the same or change your approach – even start again in some cases. In the same way that an aeroplane reaches its destination by continually measuring how off track it is from the set flight path and adjusting its course to get back on track, the same is true for good decision making.
Making a decision in any area is not a one time event; it is an ongoing and organic process that must evolve as life unfolds.
Today’s Homework:
Think about a decision you have been putting off making. What are the possible choices you have?
Just for a moment, let go of analysing which choice you think you should make and just listen to your body; your intuition. If I were to flip a coin and the rules were Heads you choose option A and Tails you go with option B, which side would you secretly hope for, deep down, before knowing the outcome?
Just go with your instinct and do something to start to make that choice happen. Be willing to make a mistake, knowing that the only bad decision you can ever make is to not do something about the things you didn’t want to happen.
If things go wrong be willing to make a mistake in the opposite direction because, who knows, it might turn out to not be a mistake after all, but rather the realisation of your dream!
No matter what your situation you always have choice. Don’t worry about having to choose wisely, that’s overrated.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
The world cannot bend for you… it is you
Stress and suffering only takes place in our lives when we believe something in the world should be different than it actually is. People shouldn’t be the way they are; Events shouldn’t turn out the way they do; I shouldn’t be made to feel like this…
It is our nature to have very firm convictions of what is good, what is bad, right or wrong, and we project this Emotional Guidance System (EGS) out onto the world. It is this system that lets us know how to respond emotionally to our environment, and like all good systems it’s remarkably simple. All the time the world and everyone in it conforms to our idea of what’s right and good, we feel happy. When the world and everyone in it behaves in any other way we don’t feel happy.
But here’s the thing. There are six and a half billion of us on the planet and not one of us can completely agree on what is good, what is bad, right or wrong. So how can we all live in the same world and immunise ourselves against the stress and suffering caused by our EGS being violated?
The answer lies not in changing the events of the world or the behaviours of others, but in realising there is a better, more truthful way of looking at your experience of life.
When you project your EGS out onto the world, it just gets reflected right back at you. To experience the behaviour of another person and know what it means you have to take it back inside and use your internal communication to apply a meaning to it. Of course the meaning you give will be completely dependent on your EGS… and you created that too!!!
So the world that you see is not actually the real world, it is just a projection of yourself. Trying to manipulate the physical world to be different than it actually is like a dog trying to chase its own tail. It is impossible for the world to bend to suit you, because it IS you. Freedom from stress and suffering only comes with the unconditional acceptance of reality as it is. The consistent practice of being non-judgemental towards others can only generate space for love and understanding.
Today’s Experiment:
Mentally step back today. Be curious about the way you experience what is going on around you, particularly to do with your interactions with other people. Can you notice that the way you feel about what happens starts with you own internal communication rather that what actually took place outside of you? How are you going to use that realisation to improve your experience of life?
It is our nature to have very firm convictions of what is good, what is bad, right or wrong, and we project this Emotional Guidance System (EGS) out onto the world. It is this system that lets us know how to respond emotionally to our environment, and like all good systems it’s remarkably simple. All the time the world and everyone in it conforms to our idea of what’s right and good, we feel happy. When the world and everyone in it behaves in any other way we don’t feel happy.
But here’s the thing. There are six and a half billion of us on the planet and not one of us can completely agree on what is good, what is bad, right or wrong. So how can we all live in the same world and immunise ourselves against the stress and suffering caused by our EGS being violated?
The answer lies not in changing the events of the world or the behaviours of others, but in realising there is a better, more truthful way of looking at your experience of life.
When you project your EGS out onto the world, it just gets reflected right back at you. To experience the behaviour of another person and know what it means you have to take it back inside and use your internal communication to apply a meaning to it. Of course the meaning you give will be completely dependent on your EGS… and you created that too!!!
So the world that you see is not actually the real world, it is just a projection of yourself. Trying to manipulate the physical world to be different than it actually is like a dog trying to chase its own tail. It is impossible for the world to bend to suit you, because it IS you. Freedom from stress and suffering only comes with the unconditional acceptance of reality as it is. The consistent practice of being non-judgemental towards others can only generate space for love and understanding.
Today’s Experiment:
Mentally step back today. Be curious about the way you experience what is going on around you, particularly to do with your interactions with other people. Can you notice that the way you feel about what happens starts with you own internal communication rather that what actually took place outside of you? How are you going to use that realisation to improve your experience of life?
Monday, January 19, 2009
BE THE CHANGE...
Quotes are such powerful directors of thought. They have the ability to condense big and complex ideas or concepts into short, snappy phrases that cut straight through to the simple truth of things.
One of the quotes that has had the most profound and lasting effect on me comes from Gandhi. He said "You must be the change you wish to see in the world".
When I heard this for the first time I experienced a massive light bulb moment. Everything I had been seeking to learn about how to positively influence the world around me suddenly came together in flash of clarity. That instant I realised that in order for things to get better, I was going to have to get better.
This is what getting better meant to me:
One of the quotes that has had the most profound and lasting effect on me comes from Gandhi. He said "You must be the change you wish to see in the world".
When I heard this for the first time I experienced a massive light bulb moment. Everything I had been seeking to learn about how to positively influence the world around me suddenly came together in flash of clarity. That instant I realised that in order for things to get better, I was going to have to get better.
This is what getting better meant to me:
- If I want others to be kind and considered towards me.... I must demonstrate kindness and consideration towards them
- If I wanted them to be motivated... I must show them I am motivated
- If I want to be wealthy... I must give my heartfelt warm wishes to those who are already wealthy (there is no room for hidden jealousy)
- If I want to attract love into my life... I must be the embodiment of love
- If I want harmony in the world... I must be harmonious
- If I want to be appreciated... I must share
- If I want to be heard... I must listen
- If I want to receive... I must give
Like attracts like. Nothing in your life will improve by listing everything that is wrong with the world (or the people in it). The most powerful influencing tool you possess is your ability to be the example of what you desire there to be more of.
People only respond to you in ways that are consistent with the manner in which you present yourself. If you change, then they have to change also to accommodate it. That is the nature of human interaction.
You will rarely make someone see your point of view by arguing with theirs. If you want them to understand you, then understand them. Somewhere along the line there is a truth you can both agree with.
Peace will never be achieved through war. Mother Teresa often refused to take part in anti-war marches, requesting that they should give her a call if they ever decide to walk for peace. This distinction is critical.
Think about the situations and people in your own life. What would being the change you wish to see in the world mean for you? What are you frustrated by? What do you need to be doing, or being, that you have not already that will cause the world to respond more favourably towards you?
Thursday, January 15, 2009
HOW TO NIP NEGATIVE THOUGHTS IN THE BUD
Everyone has negative thoughts. If you’re human you can’t help it. Even the most positive and inspirational people you know have the similar kind of negative thoughts that you have from time to time. Believe it or not they also make harsh unconscious judgements about people, things and events too! They criticise and self deprecate – but that doesn’t stop them being generally positive and inspirational, does it?
The truth about what goes on in our heads is that we don’t always get to choose the types of thoughts that take place. But we DO get to choose which of those thoughts we pay attention to and do something with.
The majority of the dialogue, imagery, ideas and scenarios that plays out in your thinking is just the stream of background noise your unconscious mind makes as it does its job of making sense of the world around you. It is absolutely harmless. All the time you just leave it be and let it get on with what ever it wants to think about (in which ever way it wants to think about it) there can be no reason for you to get disturbed. It is only when you inject life into a thought and give it wings - when you consciously ‘pick-up’ on innocent background negativity and bring it to the fore by consciously making it louder and potent to your senses - that things start to get a bit messy.
Here’s the thing:
The truth about what goes on in our heads is that we don’t always get to choose the types of thoughts that take place. But we DO get to choose which of those thoughts we pay attention to and do something with.
The majority of the dialogue, imagery, ideas and scenarios that plays out in your thinking is just the stream of background noise your unconscious mind makes as it does its job of making sense of the world around you. It is absolutely harmless. All the time you just leave it be and let it get on with what ever it wants to think about (in which ever way it wants to think about it) there can be no reason for you to get disturbed. It is only when you inject life into a thought and give it wings - when you consciously ‘pick-up’ on innocent background negativity and bring it to the fore by consciously making it louder and potent to your senses - that things start to get a bit messy.
Here’s the thing:
The problem is not that you have the negative thought; the problem is that you take it seriously, like it actually means something.
One of the fundamental keys to having a more positive experience in any area of your life is to stop thinking your thoughts are telling you the truth, or even that they are telling you what you actually believe, for that matter!!!
This is my really simple model to NIP your consciously negative thoughts in the bud.
NIP stands for: Notice – Interrupt – Positive
This is how it works:
NOTICE - The first step is to catch yourself in the act of talking negatively with your internal voice. The very moment you realise you are ‘doing it again’ you can instantly move on to the next step.
INTERRUPT – This means doing or saying something deliberately different in your mind to break the flow of the negative thought. I’ve found one of the best ways to do this is to shout “STOP” in a forceful tone of voice (remember this is using your internal voice – you could get some rather strange looks otherwise!!). Another great way is to imagine you have a volume dial for your internal dialogue and hear the voice quieten all the way down to silence as you turn it.
POSTIVE – Once you’ve interrupted the negative voice you’ll notice there is a moment of silence. Use this space to generate choices for how you could view the thing you were thinking about in a positive way.
Example:
“I really don’t want to give that presentation tomorrow…. It’s taking up so much of my time and I’ve got other more important things to do…. And I’m rubbish at presentations anyway….. I’m going to make a real hash of it, I know it…. My boss’s boss is going to be there…. Everyone will think I don’t know what I’m talking about…………” (Notice)
“STOP!!!………..” (Interrupt)
“OK. Let me just imagine for a moment that the presentation goes perfectly…. Right, there I am standing confidently and talking clearly, making great eye contact. Just relax…. It feels a whole lot better when I visualise the positive and engaged looks on their faces… This could actually be quite a good opportunity for me to raise my profile…..” (Positive)
Try it out. Have fun playing around with that voice in your head, after all it IS yours and you can do what you want with it!!
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
PEOPLE WHO ASK BETTER QUESTIONS GET BETTER ANSWERS
Regardless of the reasons why people seek out a coach or therapist, the solution to their problem, or the answer to their question, is always made clear as soon as there is a shift in their thinking. The most fundamental principle that underpins the work I do with people is “thoughts are things” - as you think so you become, and with your thoughts you create your world. Your thoughts are the key drivers to the emotions you feel, and your emotions ultimately drive your behaviour.
Apologies for oversimplifying but the only difference between someone with high self esteem and someone with no self esteem is that the former just thinks better thoughts. Of course the ability to think confidence creating thoughts takes practice, commitment and sometimes a bit of coaching, but it is an ability that everyone has.
The most powerful way we direct our own thinking is by asking ourselves questions? You do it thousands of time a day and scarcely notice it, and it is the way in which you pose the question that determines the quality of the answer you get. This is particularly important when you are asking questions about yourself!!!
I came across this recent article called “Improving Your Most Important Relationship in Life” by Robert Stuberg, writing for Success Magazine, and it perfectly illustrates how poorly structured questions can often create a domino effect of negative thoughts and feelings. Here it is…
Our thoughts control our lives. You’ve undoubtedly heard that sweeping
statement. But do you consider that to be a true and accurate notion? Let me ask
you this: What do you think about yourself? Because if our thoughts control our
lives—and to some extent, they do—shouldn’t the thoughts we have about ourselves
be positive? That brings up the question everyone must ask themselves: What
thoughts do you have about yourself that are controlling your life?
The most important relationship in your life is the one you have
with yourself. And if you let those negative thoughts affect how you think, feel
and act, how can you expect to build healthy relationships with anyone else? You
must put yourself first when it comes to maintaining positive relationships.
Now stay with me for a moment. This idea of putting a relationship
with yourself first isn’t a selfish one—in fact, in some ways it’s a selfless
act. The starting point for having a great relationship with anyone else is
mastering this all-important relationship. In addition, if you aren’t making the
progress in life that you would like to make and are capable of making, I’d be
willing to bet that what we are going to discuss will show you why. So let’s
talk about your relationship with you.
Granted, as busy as we are
and wanting to please others who are important to us—spouses, family members and
friends—it can be easy to overlook the importance of the relationship we have
with ourselves. But if we can’t get along well with ourselves, we won’t exactly
have good relationships with all those other people in our lives. The first step
in managing your relationship with yourself is to determine what you actually
think about yourself. You might be surprised with what you discover. All too
often we reserve our harshest criticisms and our most negative thoughts for
ourselves. And those thoughts are precisely what often stand in our way of
achieving those things we most want in life.
In my seminars and
private-coaching sessions, I ask people where they believe their negative
thoughts originate. This always becomes a fascinating discussion. Nearly
everyone says their thoughts originally develop from their parents, the way they
were raised and influences from their varied life experiences. Certainly, all of
these things and many, many more are part of the answer. But there is also
something much more significant that is often completely missed.
The questions you ask yourself can control your thoughts. We are
constantly asking questions such as, “What should I do in this situation?” “How
will this affect the outcome that I am working to achieve?” Even questions such
as, “Is this the right thing to do?” will lead to all kinds of thoughts about
good and bad or right and wrong. Truly, the questions we ask and the thoughts
they lead to are endless. Questions can begin generating thoughts that don’t
really serve us well. These types of negative thoughts slowly chip away at the
relationship we have with ourselves.
When you continue asking
those disempowering questions for months, years, even decades, your whole life
becomes ruled by those negative emotions. You would never want to build a
relationship with someone else on that same negative pretense, so why are you
doing that to yourself?
Let me give you an example of how one
question could be in conflict with the relationship you have with yourself, and
how it could derail you on your quest for greater success. I’ve discovered that
many people have overwhelming, generalized questions such as, “What are they
thinking of me?” Imagine having that question constantly roaming around in your
mind. A successful client told me she’s had this question since she was a little
girl, and although this client has achieved some great things in her life, she
still hasn’t found peace, happiness or any level of fulfillment. She says she
feels that no matter what she does, it doesn’t feel like enough. That derisive
question constantly fl oats through her mind. Here is a Fortune 500 executive,
earning an amazing amount of money and receiving constant praise for her work,
and yet she feels like no matter what she does it isn’t enough. She’s making a
great contribution to others by serving at a very high level, but she is not
happy on the inside. This reminds me of the old saying, “Success without
fulfillment is failure.”
I think the answer to her challenge can
be found in this main question that she’s been asking herself for years. Many
questions have a presupposition, and wouldn’t you agree that her question
contains the negative thought that people may not be thinking good things about
her? In actuality, people probably respect and admire her, and hold her in great
esteem.
The ultimate problem with this question is that it puts
other people in the driver’s seat of your life. While a question like this might
motivate you to get other people to think good things about you, you will never
know for sure what other people think. And, most important, do you really want
to base your life on what other people think of you?
Now I realize
that this example may not illustrate your question or situation, but I hope it
gets you thinking about what your question or questions might be. What negative
questions do you ask yourself?
People transform themselves
immediately once they discover the underlying questions and corresponding
thoughts that are controlling their lives, especially the main question that
they may have been trying to answer for decades. You may find you can figure out
your main question by yourself, or you might want to consider working with a
coach who understands this process. The truth of the matter is that we are often
too close to ourselves to see and understand exactly what’s going on.
There’s a great line in the play by Shakespeare titled The Life and
Death of Julius Caesar where the character Cassius asks Brutus if he can see his
own face. Brutus replies: “No, Cassius; for the eye sees not itself, but by ref
lection, by some other means.”
So often, a question that you’ve been asking
since you were a child is standing in the way of achieving a great relationship
with yourself. That means it is also standing in the way of achieving your
ultimate ideal in life. There is nothing more important than uncovering the
questions and thoughts that are controlling your life so you can once and for
all take control of your destiny.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
CAN'T COMPLAIN (...BUT ONLY FOR A DAY)
There have been many occasions when people have come to me just to sound off about their relationship, or their job, or their position in life, and have expected a certain level of sympathy. Don’t get me wrong, I am a very caring, loving and giving guy, but complaining just doesn’t wash with me. I’m all about taking 100% responsibility. It’s what I teach and it’s what I endeavour to do every moment of every day.
Now, I must tell you that there is a big difference between “getting things off your chest” and complaining. Getting things off your chest is a useful and natural part of day to day life. When you’ve had a manic day and a million things to do and a certain level of pressure has built up inside you, then getting things off your chest or venting your frustrations can be a healthy way of laying your jumbled thoughts out in front of you so that you can gain a clearer perspective of a day that’s now gone. To get things off your chest means to say what’s on your mind with the intention of being able to forget it and move on.
“Man, what a day. You have no idea how busy I’ve been. The phone has not stopped ringing, I’ve had a mountain of work, I barely had time to grab a bite to eat and my feet are killing me.”
Deep breath… and relax. It’s over. You had a need to outwardly express your internal experience and now you’ve don’t it. Now, what’s for dinner?
Another example of getting things off your chest is when someone says or does something that doesn’t sit quite right with you. Perhaps they were talking about you in your absence and you think they may have misrepresented you in some way. You might find an opportunity to take that person to one side and get to the bottom of it.
“I don’t think this is a big issue but something has been on my mind lately about what you might have said to Mary when I wasn’t there”
I get things off my chest all the time. It can be a great enabler of effective communication, certainly better than keeping frustrations bottled up, that’s for sure.
Complaining is an entirely different kettle of fish. Complaining is refusing to let go a disgruntling thought and holding something or someone else accountable for it.
When you complain you are making a statement that things should be another way. Your way! You have an imagined version of a different, better reality that you are using to benchmark against what is really going. And the sad truth about complaining is it is nearly always enforced on the people who can do absolutely nothing about it.
“Let me tell you about my boss. He is such an idiot. He makes my life a misery. He has absolutely no idea how hard I word and all he can do is demanded more and more pointless reports. I’m trapped.”
Does this sound like a person who taking 100% responsibility of their life?
When you complain you effectively give away any power you have within you to change your situation, because it places the problem firmly outside of your own control. But if you were to take a step back a take a good honest look at the situation you will begin to see a much clearer, more palatable reality.
It initially takes courage and openness to recognise that you always have choice but the prize is freedom.
Rather than looking for reasons of why you have to be angry, sad, pissed off, etc, experiment with turning the focus back on yourself. The intention is not beat yourself up, but to simply become curious about the part that you’ve played in generating your experience.
Look for the cause and effect factors that apply to what you have – or haven’t done – that have led you to where you are today. Have you been too permissive? Had you been putting off having a conversation you should have had ages ago? Have you been focusing on the wrong things to bring you happiness? Have you blamed someone else for not doing something you could have easily done yourself? Honestly?
You are the sum of every decision you’ve ever made, every thought you’ve ever had, every conversation, every action or inaction. That’s what defines you.
If you’re unhappy in your relationship, what could you DO right now to make things better? If your boss is an areshole (pardon my French) you have choices. Either address your issues with him/her, or accept that everyone is entitled to their unique style and learn to be ok with that, or get another job! There is always a choice. It may be not your preferred option but if that is what you have control over, then exercise that control. There is no “have to” in life.
Here is a powerful piece of advice that can radically alter the quality of your experience. Have a complaint free day. Just commit to spending an entire 24 hour period where you forget to complain about anything. See what happens. If your focus is not placed on what wrong or who is to blame then it is placed on finding solutions. And you’ll be amazed at how creative you can be when you assume that a solution exists.
If you enjoy your complaint free day, have another one, and another!! I hope you can see why this could be one of the most important decisions you’ll ever make.
As always you have my very warm wishes. Have a wonderful day.
Visit me any time at http://www.life-happens.co.uk/
Now, I must tell you that there is a big difference between “getting things off your chest” and complaining. Getting things off your chest is a useful and natural part of day to day life. When you’ve had a manic day and a million things to do and a certain level of pressure has built up inside you, then getting things off your chest or venting your frustrations can be a healthy way of laying your jumbled thoughts out in front of you so that you can gain a clearer perspective of a day that’s now gone. To get things off your chest means to say what’s on your mind with the intention of being able to forget it and move on.
“Man, what a day. You have no idea how busy I’ve been. The phone has not stopped ringing, I’ve had a mountain of work, I barely had time to grab a bite to eat and my feet are killing me.”
Deep breath… and relax. It’s over. You had a need to outwardly express your internal experience and now you’ve don’t it. Now, what’s for dinner?
Another example of getting things off your chest is when someone says or does something that doesn’t sit quite right with you. Perhaps they were talking about you in your absence and you think they may have misrepresented you in some way. You might find an opportunity to take that person to one side and get to the bottom of it.
“I don’t think this is a big issue but something has been on my mind lately about what you might have said to Mary when I wasn’t there”
I get things off my chest all the time. It can be a great enabler of effective communication, certainly better than keeping frustrations bottled up, that’s for sure.
Complaining is an entirely different kettle of fish. Complaining is refusing to let go a disgruntling thought and holding something or someone else accountable for it.
When you complain you are making a statement that things should be another way. Your way! You have an imagined version of a different, better reality that you are using to benchmark against what is really going. And the sad truth about complaining is it is nearly always enforced on the people who can do absolutely nothing about it.
“Let me tell you about my boss. He is such an idiot. He makes my life a misery. He has absolutely no idea how hard I word and all he can do is demanded more and more pointless reports. I’m trapped.”
Does this sound like a person who taking 100% responsibility of their life?
When you complain you effectively give away any power you have within you to change your situation, because it places the problem firmly outside of your own control. But if you were to take a step back a take a good honest look at the situation you will begin to see a much clearer, more palatable reality.
It initially takes courage and openness to recognise that you always have choice but the prize is freedom.
Rather than looking for reasons of why you have to be angry, sad, pissed off, etc, experiment with turning the focus back on yourself. The intention is not beat yourself up, but to simply become curious about the part that you’ve played in generating your experience.
Look for the cause and effect factors that apply to what you have – or haven’t done – that have led you to where you are today. Have you been too permissive? Had you been putting off having a conversation you should have had ages ago? Have you been focusing on the wrong things to bring you happiness? Have you blamed someone else for not doing something you could have easily done yourself? Honestly?
You are the sum of every decision you’ve ever made, every thought you’ve ever had, every conversation, every action or inaction. That’s what defines you.
If you’re unhappy in your relationship, what could you DO right now to make things better? If your boss is an areshole (pardon my French) you have choices. Either address your issues with him/her, or accept that everyone is entitled to their unique style and learn to be ok with that, or get another job! There is always a choice. It may be not your preferred option but if that is what you have control over, then exercise that control. There is no “have to” in life.
Here is a powerful piece of advice that can radically alter the quality of your experience. Have a complaint free day. Just commit to spending an entire 24 hour period where you forget to complain about anything. See what happens. If your focus is not placed on what wrong or who is to blame then it is placed on finding solutions. And you’ll be amazed at how creative you can be when you assume that a solution exists.
If you enjoy your complaint free day, have another one, and another!! I hope you can see why this could be one of the most important decisions you’ll ever make.
As always you have my very warm wishes. Have a wonderful day.
Visit me any time at http://www.life-happens.co.uk/
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
FOCUS ON WHAT YOU WANT
“Whether you think you can or think you can’t, you’re right.” - Henry Ford
The words you use to communicate with yourself have an enormously powerful effect on your nervous system. They can build you up or they can knock you down. That little voice in your head that chatters away to you all day long plays a major part in determining the quality of your self-image which, in turn, is responsible for telling you what you think of yourself.
Your subconscious pays attention to what ever you say to yourself and, be it true or not, acts on your communication as if it’s an undeniable fact. Therefore, when you say something like “I can’t do it”, your subconscious instructs your nervous system to respond appropriately and shuts off access to the parts of you that potentially can do it. If on the other hand you were to say, “I’m committed to improving my current ability”, you set yourself up to create possibilities that otherwise would have been ignored.
Questions can be even more destructive if used negatively. For example, if you were to ask yourself, “Why does this always happen to me?”, not only are you likely to be making an over generalisation, but your subconscious will dutifully go on a search and seek out any evidence that supports you in believing the notion to be correct, even if it has to make some stuff up!!! Alternatively, a more positively phrased question such as “how could I change my approach to get a better result?” causes you to shift your attention away from failure and toward success.
There is an expression in my line of work that says, “You always get more of what you focus on”. This can be applied to any area of your life. Too many people focus on what they do not want to happen: “I don’t want to be fat”, “I don’t want to be poor”, “I don’t want to look stupid”… However, in order to know what it is that you don’t want in your life you first have to make a vivid representation of it in your head. The pictures you paint in your mind are even more powerful than words you use. Your subconscious always interprets mental images as targets to aim for, even if the image is not your desired outcome. The more you think in these terms the stronger you will be subconsciously steered towards the very thing you want to avoid.
If athletes give their best performances by imagining themselves winning over and over again, why not start instructing your subconscious to go and get the things you desire by focusing your attention on exactly what you do want to happen? Let yourself daydream about how great life could be if all your self directed communication and imagination were creating the opportunities you need to live your wildest dreams.
The words you use to communicate with yourself have an enormously powerful effect on your nervous system. They can build you up or they can knock you down. That little voice in your head that chatters away to you all day long plays a major part in determining the quality of your self-image which, in turn, is responsible for telling you what you think of yourself.
Your subconscious pays attention to what ever you say to yourself and, be it true or not, acts on your communication as if it’s an undeniable fact. Therefore, when you say something like “I can’t do it”, your subconscious instructs your nervous system to respond appropriately and shuts off access to the parts of you that potentially can do it. If on the other hand you were to say, “I’m committed to improving my current ability”, you set yourself up to create possibilities that otherwise would have been ignored.
Questions can be even more destructive if used negatively. For example, if you were to ask yourself, “Why does this always happen to me?”, not only are you likely to be making an over generalisation, but your subconscious will dutifully go on a search and seek out any evidence that supports you in believing the notion to be correct, even if it has to make some stuff up!!! Alternatively, a more positively phrased question such as “how could I change my approach to get a better result?” causes you to shift your attention away from failure and toward success.
There is an expression in my line of work that says, “You always get more of what you focus on”. This can be applied to any area of your life. Too many people focus on what they do not want to happen: “I don’t want to be fat”, “I don’t want to be poor”, “I don’t want to look stupid”… However, in order to know what it is that you don’t want in your life you first have to make a vivid representation of it in your head. The pictures you paint in your mind are even more powerful than words you use. Your subconscious always interprets mental images as targets to aim for, even if the image is not your desired outcome. The more you think in these terms the stronger you will be subconsciously steered towards the very thing you want to avoid.
If athletes give their best performances by imagining themselves winning over and over again, why not start instructing your subconscious to go and get the things you desire by focusing your attention on exactly what you do want to happen? Let yourself daydream about how great life could be if all your self directed communication and imagination were creating the opportunities you need to live your wildest dreams.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
A SHORT EXPLANATION OF NLP
Although Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) was developed over three decades ago, it is only in recent years that the world is beginning to discover why it is one of the most powerful methods for creating positive and lasting change in individuals. NLP is unique in that it focuses exclusively on how the results we achieve in our lives are determined by the way we communicate with ourselves internally (also referred to as internal states).
NLP can be translated as:
Neuro = Your Nervous System (the mind & body working together)
Linguistic = Language & Communication (verbal & non-verbal)
Programming = The process used to achieve consistent results
Therefore NLP is the methodology of learning to communicate with your nervous system in a way that consistently produces the results you desire. In other words, it’s knowing how to run your own brain to get what you want in a way that’s right for you.
You see, in order to have any experience in life and know whether it’s good or bad you have to communicate with yourself, and it’s the specific way in which you do this that determines the quality of your experience. Often, the difference between someone who thinks they can do something and someone who thinks they can’t is the way they represent the situation to themselves in their minds.
When working with clients I use a range of NLP techniques to help them access their most resourceful states and identify a strategy for resolving their problems in an easy and positive way. This can often create a high level of self awareness that typically leads to improvements in other areas of their life too.
Try out this simple exercise and experience how NLP can be used to generate a positive state in you: How to feel great on purpose.
NLP can be translated as:
Neuro = Your Nervous System (the mind & body working together)
Linguistic = Language & Communication (verbal & non-verbal)
Programming = The process used to achieve consistent results
Therefore NLP is the methodology of learning to communicate with your nervous system in a way that consistently produces the results you desire. In other words, it’s knowing how to run your own brain to get what you want in a way that’s right for you.
You see, in order to have any experience in life and know whether it’s good or bad you have to communicate with yourself, and it’s the specific way in which you do this that determines the quality of your experience. Often, the difference between someone who thinks they can do something and someone who thinks they can’t is the way they represent the situation to themselves in their minds.
When working with clients I use a range of NLP techniques to help them access their most resourceful states and identify a strategy for resolving their problems in an easy and positive way. This can often create a high level of self awareness that typically leads to improvements in other areas of their life too.
Try out this simple exercise and experience how NLP can be used to generate a positive state in you: How to feel great on purpose.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
DO YOUR FRIENDS KNOW WHAT THEY MEAN TO YOU?
I’ve just arrived back from America where I was attending the wedding of a very good friend, and because I was the Best Man I had to give a speech. Now, I’m used to public speaking and facilitating large groups of people in my personal development workshops, so you might be thinking this was a doddle for me. Well how wrong you are my friend!
What made this different for me was the level of thought I found myself giving to the meaning of my friendship with the groom and having to put into words some emotional stuff that I found difficult to explain.
My original intention was to just spend about 10 minutes ripping the proverbial wee-wee out of him (and you’ll be glad to know that I did fit this in, to great delight of me and the other guests) but I also understood that this would be a powerful opportunity to reflect on the many years we had been close mates, and to analyse why his friendship is so important to me. What surprised me was realising just how many experiences we had been though together. There have been a lot of good times but also a few low points too and as I thought about it, it became clear to me how incredibly grateful I am that he had been there to support me through some of the most challenging of times.
Of course I had always been vaguely aware of this but is was suddenly now apparent that I had never actually told him. In fact there were many things I’d never told him about what I appreciated in our relationship: How I get inspired when he talks about his goals; How he dutifully listens to all my crazy plans and encourages me to follow through; how he can cheer me up regardless of what mood I am in; his generosity; the weird sense of humour we share; his honest (even though it can often be blunt), and much more.
So when it came to making the speech I made sure I told him all of this, and it was quite an emotional affair. We usually spend our time thinking of new ways to make fun of each other, but there I was delivering a list of his best qualities and with a lump in my throat! And the best part was his reaction. He was obviously moved by what I had said and I got a sense that our friendship had just become a little richer as a result.
One of the deepest human desires is to feel appreciated, and the nicest way to receive this kind of validation is by hearing it from someone else. It’s one thing to think of yourself as being a good friend, but it is when others pay tribute to you that it really touches your soul.
Think about your own relationships. What is it that you really value about those closest to you? Ask yourself, do they know exactly how you feel or have you been making an assumption that they do? You can immediately strengthen the bond in any relationship simply by telling that person that you are thankful for them being in your life and then listing the reasons why. This is such a simple thing to do but sadly not practiced nearly enough.
I have now made a promise to myself that I will reaffirm my gratitude to my friends and loved ones on a regular basis. If you want to do the same but have trouble knowing what to say, consider what you would want to tell them if you knew this was the last time you’d ever see them again. How have they influenced you as a person? What are their top three qualities? What would your life be like today if you never knew them?
A nice little payoff for getting in the habit of do this is that you are likely to get some positive feedback too! Obviously it should not be you intention to fish for compliments but it’s always good to know where you’re doing a good job, isn’t it? I know that when friends and family tell me what they love about me it encourages me to more of it and I get to feel great about myself for the difference I’m making to them. The key to a fulfilling life is to simply feel good, there is nothing more complicated to it, so why not help yourself by making others feel appreciated? Win Win!
What made this different for me was the level of thought I found myself giving to the meaning of my friendship with the groom and having to put into words some emotional stuff that I found difficult to explain.
My original intention was to just spend about 10 minutes ripping the proverbial wee-wee out of him (and you’ll be glad to know that I did fit this in, to great delight of me and the other guests) but I also understood that this would be a powerful opportunity to reflect on the many years we had been close mates, and to analyse why his friendship is so important to me. What surprised me was realising just how many experiences we had been though together. There have been a lot of good times but also a few low points too and as I thought about it, it became clear to me how incredibly grateful I am that he had been there to support me through some of the most challenging of times.
Of course I had always been vaguely aware of this but is was suddenly now apparent that I had never actually told him. In fact there were many things I’d never told him about what I appreciated in our relationship: How I get inspired when he talks about his goals; How he dutifully listens to all my crazy plans and encourages me to follow through; how he can cheer me up regardless of what mood I am in; his generosity; the weird sense of humour we share; his honest (even though it can often be blunt), and much more.
So when it came to making the speech I made sure I told him all of this, and it was quite an emotional affair. We usually spend our time thinking of new ways to make fun of each other, but there I was delivering a list of his best qualities and with a lump in my throat! And the best part was his reaction. He was obviously moved by what I had said and I got a sense that our friendship had just become a little richer as a result.
One of the deepest human desires is to feel appreciated, and the nicest way to receive this kind of validation is by hearing it from someone else. It’s one thing to think of yourself as being a good friend, but it is when others pay tribute to you that it really touches your soul.
Think about your own relationships. What is it that you really value about those closest to you? Ask yourself, do they know exactly how you feel or have you been making an assumption that they do? You can immediately strengthen the bond in any relationship simply by telling that person that you are thankful for them being in your life and then listing the reasons why. This is such a simple thing to do but sadly not practiced nearly enough.
I have now made a promise to myself that I will reaffirm my gratitude to my friends and loved ones on a regular basis. If you want to do the same but have trouble knowing what to say, consider what you would want to tell them if you knew this was the last time you’d ever see them again. How have they influenced you as a person? What are their top three qualities? What would your life be like today if you never knew them?
A nice little payoff for getting in the habit of do this is that you are likely to get some positive feedback too! Obviously it should not be you intention to fish for compliments but it’s always good to know where you’re doing a good job, isn’t it? I know that when friends and family tell me what they love about me it encourages me to more of it and I get to feel great about myself for the difference I’m making to them. The key to a fulfilling life is to simply feel good, there is nothing more complicated to it, so why not help yourself by making others feel appreciated? Win Win!
Friday, January 11, 2008
SURROUND YOURSELF WITH POSITIVE INFLUENCES
“When you are about to embark on a journey, don’t consult those who have never left home” - Proverb
The people and things we surround ourselves with can make a huge difference to our general state of mind. I’m sure you’ve noticed that spending too much time with people who complain a lot can be a real drain on your positivity. On the other hand, I bet you also know someone who is consistently able to cheer you up just with their presence.
Your brain and nervous system are constantly responding to the input they are given. In order to understand or empathise with others, you have to go on an internal search to match their communication with an appropriate emotional response. If the people around you are full of doom and gloom the resulting images and sounds in your mind are likely to generate an impoverished emotional state in you too.
One possible way to counteract this effect is to be aware of how other people’s communication styles are affecting you emotionally and to deliberately override your own negative thoughts with more positive ones. Easier said than done? I would suggest that it is far easier to avoid the negative people in your life, or limit the time you need to spend with them. If it’s difficult to do this, at the very least you should plan to spend a lot more time with the people who are fun to be with and remind you how positive life can be with a different out look.
When you decide to climb your ladder of self improvement there will be those who see it as their job to pull you back down. They feel compelled to judge or even try to stop you bettering yourself, but only because they unconsciously recognise their own failings and would feel inadequate if you succeeded. Of course they would never admit this consciously!! Going out of your way to seek support and guidance from those who have already accomplished the things you want to achieve is the most powerful way of staying on track. Make sure you share your dreams with people who will understand and encourage you every step of the way.
The world can be a very hypnotic place, so being aware of the negative influences that suppress your true potential can give you insight into how to make your life a much more positive experience. How could you start each day with something that gets you into an inspired frame of mind? Maybe you could wake up to your favourite music, do some exercise, make time for a nice breakfast and spend a few minutes deciding what you will do today to move you closer towards your goals. This will surely put you in a more resourceful state than relying on the morning news to set the scene for the rest of your day. Remember, you always get more of what you focus on.
The people and things we surround ourselves with can make a huge difference to our general state of mind. I’m sure you’ve noticed that spending too much time with people who complain a lot can be a real drain on your positivity. On the other hand, I bet you also know someone who is consistently able to cheer you up just with their presence.
Your brain and nervous system are constantly responding to the input they are given. In order to understand or empathise with others, you have to go on an internal search to match their communication with an appropriate emotional response. If the people around you are full of doom and gloom the resulting images and sounds in your mind are likely to generate an impoverished emotional state in you too.
One possible way to counteract this effect is to be aware of how other people’s communication styles are affecting you emotionally and to deliberately override your own negative thoughts with more positive ones. Easier said than done? I would suggest that it is far easier to avoid the negative people in your life, or limit the time you need to spend with them. If it’s difficult to do this, at the very least you should plan to spend a lot more time with the people who are fun to be with and remind you how positive life can be with a different out look.
When you decide to climb your ladder of self improvement there will be those who see it as their job to pull you back down. They feel compelled to judge or even try to stop you bettering yourself, but only because they unconsciously recognise their own failings and would feel inadequate if you succeeded. Of course they would never admit this consciously!! Going out of your way to seek support and guidance from those who have already accomplished the things you want to achieve is the most powerful way of staying on track. Make sure you share your dreams with people who will understand and encourage you every step of the way.
The world can be a very hypnotic place, so being aware of the negative influences that suppress your true potential can give you insight into how to make your life a much more positive experience. How could you start each day with something that gets you into an inspired frame of mind? Maybe you could wake up to your favourite music, do some exercise, make time for a nice breakfast and spend a few minutes deciding what you will do today to move you closer towards your goals. This will surely put you in a more resourceful state than relying on the morning news to set the scene for the rest of your day. Remember, you always get more of what you focus on.
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