The Game of Joy

"Joy is a net of love in which you can catch souls.” - Mother Teresa

There are two things that have always astounded me about us Human Beings. The first is just how complex we can be with our thinking and behaviour. The second is that, despite all our complexities, what drives us at a fundamental level is remarkably simple: The desire to be happy.

Extensive research from the field of Positive Psychology has produced evidence for what many great thinkers have known for some time; that the happiest people are those who live in accordance with their highest values and have a sense of purpose and meaning in their life.

If we were to go a bit deeper and ask the question, “How do you know when you are living a meaningful life?” The answer for most people is likely to be a derivative of “When I get a feeling that I am contributing towards something worthy, good and right.”

However, if we were to continue our line of questioning with “…And what’s important about that? … And what’s important about that?”, there is a better than average chance that the final answer will be something along the lines of “Because it makes me happy.”

So, it could be argued that, when all is said and done (and however you choose to get there) the ultimate purpose of life is to experience authentic joy (I also like to refer to this as ‘love in action’).

It’s a romantic thought I know, but I often wonder, if everyone’s purpose is to experience deep joy, what would happen to the World if everyone on it were to successfully live their purpose? (Perhaps we should leave that to an ex-Beatle to right a song about!)

The interesting thing about joy, though, is that we don’t have to wait until we’ve won the Nobel Peace Prize before we experience it. We just need regular reminders to express ourselves in ways that connect us with that joyful place within us. That may be through engaging in fun and inspiring activities, making a positive difference to another person, or simply choosing to mentally and physically put yourself into a happy and joyful state (see my article “How Do You DO Happiness?”)

A lot of people think they cannot access their true joy because they have yet to discover their life’s purpose. The irony is that people do not find their life’s purpose until they have experienced their joy. It would appear that you need to have come alive before you can have a real effect on the World. It would make sense, then, that you’re far more likely to discover your path of purpose and meaning whilst you are busy having fun than when you are miserable and struggling to find answers.

So, I’ve created a game which I’m calling ‘The Game of Joy’. Woo Hoo!!

Objective:
To score maximum points by experiencing as much joy as you can within a 7 day period.

Rules:
1. Must be completed during a ‘normal week’ (going on holiday to a tropical paradise is cheating!)
2. You can introduce as many creative ways as you like to enhance your daily tasks so that they are more fun to perform. E.g. singing at the top of your voice while doing the washing up; completing that report over a cappuccino in a cafe rather than at your desk; getting someone to tell you a joke every 10 minutes; putting up photos of happy events and / or loved ones where you can always see them…)
3. You can also include as many extra events into the weekly schedule as you like. E.g. going on a date with your spouse, booking a spa treatment, going to a comedy club, taking up a new hobby, getting involved in a community project, etc.
4. Be completely honest with the scoring.

Scoring:
At the end of every morning, afternoon and evening rate the level of joy you have experience out of 10 (Maximum 30 points per day). At the end of the 7 days, tot up your total score:

181 – 210= Living the dream (please share your secret!!)

131 – 180 = Keep it up and enjoy the party

81 – 130 = Doing OK but you might want to question whether you’re on the right track. What would need to happen to put a bigger smile on your face?

Less than 80 = Probably best to take a holiday, evaluate what’s really important to you and plan for a change in direction.

BONUS TIP 1: When you’ve completed the game, play it again for another 7 days and beat your score ;o)

BONUS TIP 2: Review all of the activities that brought you the greatest amount of joy. Write down what it was about those times / events that made them special. What do they all have in common? There’s a good chance your answers will provide inspiration and clues for finding a worthy life purpose.

Take great care. Namaste.

Paul

The Ultimate Time Management Principle

"Things which matter most must never be at the mercy of things which matter least.” - Johann Wolfgang Goethe

We all have the same 24 hours in everyday, and the difference that makes the difference for each of us is how we choose to fill them. The most productive people I have ever met have not necessarily been harder working than everyone else; they just have a skill for appropriately focusing their efforts according to the time they have at their disposal.

The problem with most time management systems is that they are more concerned with generating maximum activity than they are about achieving actual objectives.

A classic example of this is the humble daily To Do list, where we jot down all the tasks that we believe need to be done that day and then re-arrange them so that they are presented in a logical sequence; the order in which we plan to tackle them. A popular approach is to get the quick and easy tasks done first so that we’ll be less distracted when it comes to doing the meaty challenging jobs at the bottom of the list.

Sometimes this works fine, but more often than not we get so caught up in the little tasks (and all the other distractions that inevitably turn up, and were not on the list in the first place) that we find ourselves under real pressure by the time we get to the bigger ones.

So, we might think that the obvious solution is to prioritise the big jobs first so that we can be confident that they will get done, and then rattle through the little ones with the time that is left.

Again, sometime this can work fine, but all too often little jobs left undone have a habit of turning into bigger problems further down the line. The fact is, no matter which way you slice it, prioritising volumes of activity against available time does not guarantee successful outcomes.

One of the “7 Habits of Highly Effective People” - the work of Dr Stephen Covey - is the habit of ‘Putting First Things First’. This means in order to know how you need to be spending your time you must first know the reason you are engaging in any activity in the first place.

An employee of any organisation is not paid simply to produce reports, move widgets or go to meetings. Every employee must be absolutely clear how their being there is helping that company achieve its overall mission and objectives.

The same can be said of people in general. It is usually true to say that the reason we go to work, build homes, raise families, support charities, join groups, is not just to fill the time until we leave this mortal coil. It is because we are driven by desires to make meaningful differences in the World (even if we’re not always consciously aware of what that means!). We don’t just go to work for going to work’s sake. We go to work because it contributes to the wider, more important story of our life.

If what you spend most of your time doing is not actually aligned to some bigger purpose or moving your towards your goal, then the obvious question has to be asked – why are you doing so much of it?

Dr. Covey introduces a fantastic prioritisation tool that I have found indispensable in just about every area of my own life. Rather than launching into a flurry of activity in the hope it can all get done within a limited timeframe, the first thing to consider is the urgency of a task versus its importance.

As a simplistic measure of how I gauge this is:

Urgent = Bad things happen if I don’t do it
Important = Good things happen if I do

Imagine a large square that has been equally divided into four smaller quadrants, each of them represents one of the combinations of urgency versus importance.

1, Urgent and Important - Otherwise known as crisis! It has to be addressed right now or there will be serious consequences. Being a frequent visitor to Quadrant 1 takes up A LOT of energy.

* Unpaid bills
* Angry customers (or spouses!!)
* Health problems
* Pressing deadlines
* Fire fighting

2, Not Urgent, but Important - These are tasks that contribute to your mission, roles and goals. They don’t necessarily have to be done now, but if they spend too long untouched in Quadrant 2 they can end up in Quadrant 1!!

* Learning new skills / knowledge
* Looking after your wellbeing
* Objective and goals setting
* Improving processes
* Nurturing Relationships

3, Urgent, but not Important – Lovingly referred to as ‘other people’s problems’!! Of course, we want to be able to help other people because the outcome of these activities is important to them, but when we spend too much time in Quadrant 3, the things are important to us, personally, get left out in the rain.

* Ringing Phone
* Interruptions
* Non-productive meetings
* Request from others

4, Not Urgent and Not Important – AKA ‘wasting time’. There is a time and a place to waste time. At the end of a hectic day it can be just what the doctor ordered to put your feet up, turn your head off and watch some mindless TV. But if this becomes more of a habit than a meaningful use of downtime, then your life direction begins to suffer.

* Trivia
* Gossip
* Excessive TV
* Time wasters
* Re-arranging your desk for the 20th time this morning!

Dr. Covey poses the question, what one activity are you convinced that, if you were to start doing superbly and consistently well on a regular basis, would bring you significant positive rewards in your life? (Perhaps it’s more dedicated quality time with loved ones, or going to the gym, or sitting down and planning for the future). Then decide which quadrant that activity sits in.

The answer is always Quadrant 2 – “Not Urgent, but Important”. It has to be important if it would give you such positive rewards, and it is obviously not urgent, otherwise you would already be doing more of it!

People who spend as much time as they can in Quadrant 2 find that there is hardly ever a need to visit Quadrant 1, because they work on important issues before they become problems. But the reason so few people actually spend enough time engaging in Quadrant 2 activities is because, unlike the other quadrants, there is no built-in mechanism to say when they actually need to be done.

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Homework

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Take some time and decide on at least three Quadrant 2 activities that would immediately enrich your life in ways that are meaningful to you. Then schedule appointments in your diary for each of those activities to take place over the coming week. Stick to those appointments as if it is crucial for you to show up and do them. If something or someone tries to elbow their way into that time slot, politely refuse and say you’re already booked up. And most importantly, enjoy yourself ;o)

Take great care. Namaste.

Knowing Life Can Be Easy

“Life is what you think it is, and gives you what you dare to dream it will.” - Anon

One of the aspects of the human condition that I find fascinating is the way that we overcome the challenges in our lives tends to be consistent with how easy or difficult we first imagine those challenges to be. We pre-empt the obstacles that are like to present difficulties, and run a mental rehearsal of our ability to deal with them. Of course, this is a very handy skill to have if you use that rehearsal time wisely, to solve any potential problems before they occur. But if it conjures up images of you getting stuck and frustrated then that is likely to act as precursor for you getting stuck and frustrated in reality.

Barry Kaufman (founder of the Option Institute) once said, “The eye sees what it brings to seeing”, and I think that sums things up perfectly. The moment we predict something is going to be hard, we engage in a search for all the evidence we can find to back-up our assumption. - “I believe life is a struggle, and just to prove it here I am struggling”

So here is a nice little exercise to get your brain accessing the parts of your wisdom that make triumphing over challenges seem effortless.

Exercise:

1, Think about a specific challenge you have that you feel is preventing you to achieving the kind of results you want. Make a statement out of it. Examples:

“It is going to be difficult to learn this new skill.”
“I’m no good at managing money.”
“People are not interested in what I have to say”.

2, Turn that statement around so that it has an opposite meaning. Play around with a few opposites until you find one that feels right and you want to work with. E.g. for some people it might be, “Learning this new skill is going to be a breeze.” For others it might be “Learning is a natural part of who I am”

3, Add this sentence starter onto the end of your statement:

“And I know that’s true because…”

4, Finish that sentence with as many ‘real’ pieces of evidence as you can think of. I’d suggest at least five, but encourage you to keep going and going.

“Learning this new skill is going to be a breeze, and I know that’s true because….

… skilfulness has more to do with practice than talent”
… I’ve seen other people doing it well, so I know it is very possible for me too”
… there is an abundance of people who will help me if I ask”
… I am willing to keep going with enthusiasm”
… there are many skills I can do easily now that I once found challenging”

Namaste

Paul

Radical Self-Honesty (and Unconscious Commitments)

"It is discouraging to think how many people are shocked by honesty and how few by deceit." - Noel Coward

The inspiration for this tip came after I had the great fortune to find out about the work of Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks. Together they run The Hendricks Institute, a hugely successful learning centre that teaches core skills for conscious living. Whilst much of the work they do is based around strengthening relationships, the area that I was particularly struck with is a process they have devised for identifying and transforming what they call “unconscious commitments”.

Have you ever been really frustrated with yourself for not following through on a task or activity that you know would have given you great rewards?

For example:

* Not filling out the job application even though you were really keen on moving forward in your career.

* Falling off the healthy eating plan even though you already felt uncomfortable with your level of wellbeing.

* Treating yourself to a little luxury item after you vowed to pay off maxed-out credit cards first.

* Saying you’d make more of an effort in your relationship and then spending more time in front of the TV.

Those scenarios may ring bells for you or they may not, but I’m willing to stick my neck out and say that everyone has a little thing or area of life where their own actions stop them from getting what they really want.

The key to reversing this kind of self sabotage is to take a good look at yourself and to be completely honest about what is really going on in that head of yours. Although we like to think that our desires are driven by what we consciously choose, there is a far more powerful force at play in the deepest recesses of your unconscious mind.

Take the guy who says he wants to move his business up to the next level. He may have all kinds of ideas and visions for where he’d like the business to go; he might even write down a few lofty goals and do some research on the kind of resources he might need. BUT, if his unconscious mind, for whatever reason, is not ready to play ball, he will inevitably seek out and find all the excuses as to why progress cannot be made right now: It’s not the right time; the market is not there; he’s too busy; he’s too tired; there’s no support; his wife wouldn’t like it… And the sad thing is that probably the only place where any of these excuses are actually true is in the story he’s making up in his head.

It may be a bitter pill to swallow but he will only be able to stop obstructing himself when he is willing to admit that he is holding onto an unconscious commitment to keep his business exactly where it is right now.

Initially it can be a very uncomfortable thing to acknowledge that you may be unconsciously committed to avoiding the very thing you say you want. Some people start out by strenuously resisting this notion:

“That’s ridiculous, there is nothing more I’d love than to do than be the most successful person in my industry. It’s not my fault it happened to rain today. I definitely would have gone to that networking event had it been less of a downpour!”

The purpose of taking a radically honest stance is not to beat yourself up about not doing the best you can, but it’s to uncover the mental blocks that are getting in the way of your success.
My own experience of this is when some years ago I got the idea into my head that I wanted to build a career in personal development (of all things). I thought about all the possible ways that I could be of service make a positive difference in the lives of others through private consultation, workshops and seminars, creating products and generally being a pretty damn good coach. So I set about signing-up to as many training events as I could get onto (and afford). I read mountains for books on just about every area of personal growth and self development, and I even set up my very first website. I was on a roll. I was so excited at the prospect of being a sought after and respected expert in the field, and I felt so strongly that this was the right path for me to follow.

There was one small problem though. In my busyness to expand my knowledge and formulate a plan for magnificent success I wasn’t actually doing anything to get any work. But more than that, I was even turning down opportunities that were being handed to me on a plate. I’d get invites to deliver talks to local groups. Friends were always offering to pass my details onto other people they knew would definitely want to see me for coaching or therapy. But somehow I always found a way of avoiding putting my skills into practice. I’d find reasons why I was too busy, or my presentation wasn’t quite polished enough, or I’d think I might be coming down with something. I spent so much time perfecting the look and feel of my website that I forgot to fill it with the kind of content that people actually wanted to know about. I’d hide behind emails, rather than picking up the phone and talking with people directly.

This carried for a while until eventually it got to the stage that I couldn’t ignore it any longer. It was the elephant in the corner of the room. Even though I hadn’t heard about the Hendricks’ idea of “unconscious commitments” back then, I came to my own realisation that I was committed to being invisible and resisting my own success.

Is that because I was lying when I talked about all the things I wanted to achieve as coach? Of course not, but what it did mean is that I was probably a bit scared, and my unconscious mind was doing the only thing it knows how to do; to protect me from coming to any harm.
The really cute thing about the unconscious mind is that, despite its infinite wisdom, it really isn’t very good at distinguishing between a real threat to our physical being and an imagined threat to our imagined being, or self-image – otherwise known as the ego.

When you are about to embark on an exciting but uncertain journey the ego has no assurances that it will survive unscathed. “What if I fail? What will other people think? What if they disapprove? What if I can’t handle the pressure of success? You’d better back in your box right now!”

Your subconscious is an extremely powerful force in your life and drives the majority of your behaviour. But it craves familiarity! It likes your self image just the way it is and, left to its own devices, will organise your thoughts and actions to keep it that way. If you want to move past this you have to become aware of what’s really going on inside and consciously decide to override this well intentioned protection system with deliberate thoughts and actions that are congruent with your desired outcome.

Here is the really magical thing that I experienced. As soon as I admitted that I was just a bit nervous about launching myself onto the public stage, and that I was willing to work consciously towards being clearly visible my potential client base, it’s as if I was suddenly free of that old unconscious commitment to remain hidden from view.

Anyone can overcome their unconscious commitments and unblock the flow of success in their life, but it takes two things: Radical self-honesty that the only obstacle you are facing is yourself, and a genuine willingness to be consciously committed to turning the situation around.

Homework:

I encourage you to think about your own life and the areas where you may have unconscious commitments that stop you achieving the results you want. Here are some steps to overcome them (it’s important that you let go of any self-judgement as you do this).

1, Identify the non-desirable recurring issues in your life. What do you find yourself consistently complaining about, either verbally to others or silently to yourself? Have you been blaming something or someone for holding you back?

Example: You’ve been fed up for ages that you are working so hard in your job that it leaves you too little energy to go to the gym.

Now, as if you knew that this is just an excuse, finish off the following sentence with the real unconscious truth.

“I am committed to…”

Example:

* “I am committed to blaming everything else for my own lack of action”

* “I am committed to finding excuses not to exercise”

* “I am committed to convincing myself I am too tired when that’s not actually true”

* “I am committed to presenting myself as a victim”

2, Say the unconscious commitment out loud and notice the emotional effect it creates in you. If it feels uncomfortable there’s a good chance you’re on the money!

3, The next step is to repeat the statement out loud over and over, but each time vary the way that you say it. Say it slowly then really quickly. Use a high pitched voice and then a deep low voice. Say it in a sexy voice and then in the style of your favourite cartoon character.
Carry on doing this for a little while and then check back in with your feelings to see how the statement affects you now. This process is very good at ‘de-sensitising’ the unconscious commitment by removing its emotional charge. When you can say the statement without any negative sensations, move on.

4, This is a really important step. Identify the positive intention your unconscious had in giving you this commitment. Ask yourself “What are all the positive ways in which this unconscious commitment has served me?” And with whatever comes up, send your deep gratitude and love to your unconscious for everything it has been trying to do you for doing.

Example: By making me frustrated with my it was trying to get me to have a better work / life balance

5, Create a conscious commitment to override the unconscious one
* I am committed to taking the best care of myself* I am committed to making health and happiness the most important part of my life* I am committed to finding creative ways to exercise even when I’m busy* I am committed to being 100% responsible for myself
Repeat the new commitment out loud over and over until it feels natural and a part of you. Do things to remind yourself of it, like putting post-its around your desk, your home or in your car.

When you catch yourself revisiting that old unconscious commitment, which you inevitably will from time to time, just bring yourself gently back by affirming your new commitment until you feel it in your body.

Take great care. Namaste.

Paul

www.life-happens.co.uk

Keep Your Best Self Alive!!

It has often been said that the only thing worse than not knowing how to make something better is to actually know what to do, but doing nothing. The area in which this is most prevalent is in the pursuit of your goals, vision and purpose.

So many people dream about the ways they would love to live their life; a personal mission they know could make a real difference to the world and the lives of others; a path that connects them to their innate sense of happiness and wellbeing. But all too often those lives remain unlived as the voice inside the head says, “Who are you to indulge in such a silly fantasy? People will think you’re crazy.”

And so reluctantly they shrink back into their little boxes so as not to rock the boats of other people sensibly getting on with living their normal and sane lives.

But surely in must be insane to deny that other little voice, the one of inner knowing, that is encouraging you to grab hold of your life and show it who’s boss. To sit back and rest comfortably (or uncomfortably) in the approval of those who will only ever settle for the status quo, is to deny the world of the greatest gifts you are capable of giving. Or as Barry Kaufman would put it, don't let yourself commit “socially acceptable suicide”.

So just for fun, ask yourself what you would want to make happen in your life if you knew you couldn’t be affected by what others might think? If you really did know that it is impossible to fail, what would you start doing differently today? Let yourself become immersed in a wonderful daydream about that bigger, more inspired life that’s waiting for you to show up.

And I leave you with the words of Marianne Williamson:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Namaste

Paul

www.life-happens.co.uk