HOW TO NIP NEGATIVE THOUGHTS IN THE BUD

Everyone has negative thoughts. If you’re human you can’t help it. Even the most positive and inspirational people you know have the similar kind of negative thoughts that you have from time to time. Believe it or not they also make harsh unconscious judgements about people, things and events too! They criticise and self deprecate – but that doesn’t stop them being generally positive and inspirational, does it?

The truth about what goes on in our heads is that we don’t always get to choose the types of thoughts that take place. But we DO get to choose which of those thoughts we pay attention to and do something with.

The majority of the dialogue, imagery, ideas and scenarios that plays out in your thinking is just the stream of background noise your unconscious mind makes as it does its job of making sense of the world around you. It is absolutely harmless. All the time you just leave it be and let it get on with what ever it wants to think about (in which ever way it wants to think about it) there can be no reason for you to get disturbed. It is only when you inject life into a thought and give it wings - when you consciously ‘pick-up’ on innocent background negativity and bring it to the fore by consciously making it louder and potent to your senses - that things start to get a bit messy.

Here’s the thing:

The problem is not that you have the negative thought; the problem is that you take it seriously, like it actually means something.

One of the fundamental keys to having a more positive experience in any area of your life is to stop thinking your thoughts are telling you the truth, or even that they are telling you what you actually believe, for that matter!!!

This is my really simple model to NIP your consciously negative thoughts in the bud.

NIP stands for: Notice – Interrupt – Positive

This is how it works:

NOTICE - The first step is to catch yourself in the act of talking negatively with your internal voice. The very moment you realise you are ‘doing it again’ you can instantly move on to the next step.

INTERRUPT – This means doing or saying something deliberately different in your mind to break the flow of the negative thought. I’ve found one of the best ways to do this is to shout “STOP” in a forceful tone of voice (remember this is using your internal voice – you could get some rather strange looks otherwise!!). Another great way is to imagine you have a volume dial for your internal dialogue and hear the voice quieten all the way down to silence as you turn it.

POSTIVE – Once you’ve interrupted the negative voice you’ll notice there is a moment of silence. Use this space to generate choices for how you could view the thing you were thinking about in a positive way.

Example:

“I really don’t want to give that presentation tomorrow…. It’s taking up so much of my time and I’ve got other more important things to do…. And I’m rubbish at presentations anyway….. I’m going to make a real hash of it, I know it…. My boss’s boss is going to be there…. Everyone will think I don’t know what I’m talking about…………” (Notice)

“STOP!!!………..” (Interrupt)

“OK. Let me just imagine for a moment that the presentation goes perfectly…. Right, there I am standing confidently and talking clearly, making great eye contact. Just relax…. It feels a whole lot better when I visualise the positive and engaged looks on their faces… This could actually be quite a good opportunity for me to raise my profile…..” (Positive)

Try it out. Have fun playing around with that voice in your head, after all it IS yours and you can do what you want with it!!

PEOPLE WHO ASK BETTER QUESTIONS GET BETTER ANSWERS

Regardless of the reasons why people seek out a coach or therapist, the solution to their problem, or the answer to their question, is always made clear as soon as there is a shift in their thinking. The most fundamental principle that underpins the work I do with people is “thoughts are things” - as you think so you become, and with your thoughts you create your world. Your thoughts are the key drivers to the emotions you feel, and your emotions ultimately drive your behaviour.

Apologies for oversimplifying but the only difference between someone with high self esteem and someone with no self esteem is that the former just thinks better thoughts. Of course the ability to think confidence creating thoughts takes practice, commitment and sometimes a bit of coaching, but it is an ability that everyone has.

The most powerful way we direct our own thinking is by asking ourselves questions? You do it thousands of time a day and scarcely notice it, and it is the way in which you pose the question that determines the quality of the answer you get. This is particularly important when you are asking questions about yourself!!!

I came across this recent article called “Improving Your Most Important Relationship in Life” by Robert Stuberg, writing for Success Magazine, and it perfectly illustrates how poorly structured questions can often create a domino effect of negative thoughts and feelings. Here it is…

Our thoughts control our lives. You’ve undoubtedly heard that sweeping
statement. But do you consider that to be a true and accurate notion? Let me ask
you this: What do you think about yourself? Because if our thoughts control our
lives—and to some extent, they do—shouldn’t the thoughts we have about ourselves
be positive? That brings up the question everyone must ask themselves: What
thoughts do you have about yourself that are controlling your life?

The most important relationship in your life is the one you have
with yourself. And if you let those negative thoughts affect how you think, feel
and act, how can you expect to build healthy relationships with anyone else? You
must put yourself first when it comes to maintaining positive relationships.

Now stay with me for a moment. This idea of putting a relationship
with yourself first isn’t a selfish one—in fact, in some ways it’s a selfless
act. The starting point for having a great relationship with anyone else is
mastering this all-important relationship. In addition, if you aren’t making the
progress in life that you would like to make and are capable of making, I’d be
willing to bet that what we are going to discuss will show you why. So let’s
talk about your relationship with you.

Granted, as busy as we are
and wanting to please others who are important to us—spouses, family members and
friends—it can be easy to overlook the importance of the relationship we have
with ourselves. But if we can’t get along well with ourselves, we won’t exactly
have good relationships with all those other people in our lives. The first step
in managing your relationship with yourself is to determine what you actually
think about yourself. You might be surprised with what you discover. All too
often we reserve our harshest criticisms and our most negative thoughts for
ourselves. And those thoughts are precisely what often stand in our way of
achieving those things we most want in life.

In my seminars and
private-coaching sessions, I ask people where they believe their negative
thoughts originate. This always becomes a fascinating discussion. Nearly
everyone says their thoughts originally develop from their parents, the way they
were raised and influences from their varied life experiences. Certainly, all of
these things and many, many more are part of the answer. But there is also
something much more significant that is often completely missed.

The questions you ask yourself can control your thoughts. We are
constantly asking questions such as, “What should I do in this situation?” “How
will this affect the outcome that I am working to achieve?” Even questions such
as, “Is this the right thing to do?” will lead to all kinds of thoughts about
good and bad or right and wrong. Truly, the questions we ask and the thoughts
they lead to are endless. Questions can begin generating thoughts that don’t
really serve us well. These types of negative thoughts slowly chip away at the
relationship we have with ourselves.

When you continue asking
those disempowering questions for months, years, even decades, your whole life
becomes ruled by those negative emotions. You would never want to build a
relationship with someone else on that same negative pretense, so why are you
doing that to yourself?

Let me give you an example of how one
question could be in conflict with the relationship you have with yourself, and
how it could derail you on your quest for greater success. I’ve discovered that
many people have overwhelming, generalized questions such as, “What are they
thinking of me?” Imagine having that question constantly roaming around in your
mind. A successful client told me she’s had this question since she was a little
girl, and although this client has achieved some great things in her life, she
still hasn’t found peace, happiness or any level of fulfillment. She says she
feels that no matter what she does, it doesn’t feel like enough. That derisive
question constantly fl oats through her mind. Here is a Fortune 500 executive,
earning an amazing amount of money and receiving constant praise for her work,
and yet she feels like no matter what she does it isn’t enough. She’s making a
great contribution to others by serving at a very high level, but she is not
happy on the inside. This reminds me of the old saying, “Success without
fulfillment is failure.”

I think the answer to her challenge can
be found in this main question that she’s been asking herself for years. Many
questions have a presupposition, and wouldn’t you agree that her question
contains the negative thought that people may not be thinking good things about
her? In actuality, people probably respect and admire her, and hold her in great
esteem.

The ultimate problem with this question is that it puts
other people in the driver’s seat of your life. While a question like this might
motivate you to get other people to think good things about you, you will never
know for sure what other people think. And, most important, do you really want
to base your life on what other people think of you?

Now I realize
that this example may not illustrate your question or situation, but I hope it
gets you thinking about what your question or questions might be. What negative
questions do you ask yourself?

People transform themselves
immediately once they discover the underlying questions and corresponding
thoughts that are controlling their lives, especially the main question that
they may have been trying to answer for decades. You may find you can figure out
your main question by yourself, or you might want to consider working with a
coach who understands this process. The truth of the matter is that we are often
too close to ourselves to see and understand exactly what’s going on.

There’s a great line in the play by Shakespeare titled The Life and
Death of Julius Caesar where the character Cassius asks Brutus if he can see his
own face. Brutus replies: “No, Cassius; for the eye sees not itself, but by ref
lection, by some other means.”
So often, a question that you’ve been asking
since you were a child is standing in the way of achieving a great relationship
with yourself. That means it is also standing in the way of achieving your
ultimate ideal in life. There is nothing more important than uncovering the
questions and thoughts that are controlling your life so you can once and for
all take control of your destiny.

FOCUS ON WHAT YOU WANT

“Whether you think you can or think you can’t, you’re right.” - Henry Ford

The words you use to communicate with yourself have an enormously powerful effect on your nervous system. They can build you up or they can knock you down. That little voice in your head that chatters away to you all day long plays a major part in determining the quality of your self-image which, in turn, is responsible for telling you what you think of yourself.

Your subconscious pays attention to what ever you say to yourself and, be it true or not, acts on your communication as if it’s an undeniable fact. Therefore, when you say something like “I can’t do it”, your subconscious instructs your nervous system to respond appropriately and shuts off access to the parts of you that potentially can do it. If on the other hand you were to say, “I’m committed to improving my current ability”, you set yourself up to create possibilities that otherwise would have been ignored.

Questions can be even more destructive if used negatively. For example, if you were to ask yourself, “Why does this always happen to me?”, not only are you likely to be making an over generalisation, but your subconscious will dutifully go on a search and seek out any evidence that supports you in believing the notion to be correct, even if it has to make some stuff up!!! Alternatively, a more positively phrased question such as “how could I change my approach to get a better result?” causes you to shift your attention away from failure and toward success.

There is an expression in my line of work that says, “You always get more of what you focus on”. This can be applied to any area of your life. Too many people focus on what they do not want to happen: “I don’t want to be fat”, “I don’t want to be poor”, “I don’t want to look stupid”… However, in order to know what it is that you don’t want in your life you first have to make a vivid representation of it in your head. The pictures you paint in your mind are even more powerful than words you use. Your subconscious always interprets mental images as targets to aim for, even if the image is not your desired outcome. The more you think in these terms the stronger you will be subconsciously steered towards the very thing you want to avoid.

If athletes give their best performances by imagining themselves winning over and over again, why not start instructing your subconscious to go and get the things you desire by focusing your attention on exactly what you do want to happen? Let yourself daydream about how great life could be if all your self directed communication and imagination were creating the opportunities you need to live your wildest dreams.

Confidence - What Wikipedia Says

Confidence is a mental process that arises from considering if a person or thing is capable of something. Self-confidence is having confidence in oneself when considering a capability. Overconfidence is having unmerited confidence--believing something or someone is capable when they are not. Scientifically, a situation can only be judged after the aim has been achieved or not. It is incorrect to label someone overconfident unless that aim has been achieved or not, since one cannot know whether something is possible, only believe, which is confidence. Confidence can be a self-fulfilling prophecy, as those without it may fail or not try because they lack it, and those with it may succeed because they have it, rather than because of an innate ability.

Choking refers to losing confidence, especially self-confidence, just at the moment when it is needed most and doing poorly as a result e.g. in sports. This is found as a common plot device in literature and film, and is usually devised to result in a total alteration of a character's life.


Introduction

Usually when someone is referred to as 'confident' they are referring to self-confidence. Self-confidence is faith in one's own abilities. People with high self-confidence typically have little fear of the unknown, are able to stand up for what they believe in, and have the courage to risk embarrassment (for instance, by giving a presentation to a large group of people). One who is self-confident is not necessarily loud, brash, or reckless.

Confidence as a psychological quality is related to, but distinct from, self esteem. Confidence may be considered to be made up of a number of components. For example, Confidence Club defines confidence in terms of 5 components : 'social confidence', 'physical presence', 'stage presence', 'status confidence' and 'peer independence'.

Losing confidence is no longer trusting in the ability to perform. It may be reasonable as the result of past failure to perform, or unreasonable, because one "just has a feeling" about something or is having doubt. Confidence in someone is having faith and trust in that person. You consider that person reliable.


Confidence in others

People may have confidence in other people or forces beyond their control. For instance, one might have confidence in the police to protect them, or may have confidence that a sports team will win a game. Faith and Trust are synonyms of confidence when used in this sense.

NLP Technique: How to feel great on purpose

I always like sharing this technique with people who are new to NLP because, apart from being really easy to do, it exquisitely highlights that the way we represent things to ourselves determines our emotional states. This process works because the human nervous system cannot tell the difference between a real event and one that is vividly imagined.

Before you go ahead and enjoy feeling great, ensure you are in a situation where it is safe and appropriate to relax for a few moments and focus you attention inside. Read these instructions all the way through before carrying them out. It is best to be standing for this exercise:

1. Close your eyes and recall a time in your life when you felt really relaxed. Maybe you were on holiday, lying on a beach, or listening to soothing music whilst chilling out on a Sunday morning. If you can’t think of a time straight away imagine a made up scenario in which you are very relaxed. What ever that thought is for you just check to make sure it is a time when you feel totally carefree and calm inside.

2. Now, as you think of this, notice how you see the image in your mind. Whereabouts would it be in front of you if you could point to it? Is it to the right or left; top middle or bottom of your internal visual spectrum? Notice also if it is a still frame picture or are you watching it like a movie? Is it in colour or black and white? Do you see yourself in the picture from a third person perspective or are you looking at it through your own eyes? Take some time to notice everything you notice.

3. Next, imagine you can take this scene from where ever it currently is and blow it up in size so that it’s now larger than life right there in front of you. In fact let it surround you so that you can even see it in your peripheral vision. And as you do this, allow yourself to notice how it naturally intensifies those feelings of relaxation within you.

4. If have not done so already, imagine stepping into your body so that you are now seeing what you saw through your own eyes. Make the image as focused and bright as you can. Increase the colours so that they become strong and vivid. Also become aware of the relaxing sounds you can hear around you, turn the volume up and really feel that delightful sense of calmness growing within you.

5. Keep yourself in this scene while you notice whereabouts in your body you are feeling the most amount of comfort. Give that comfort a colour and imagine its glowing in that part of your body. Now, focus on that colour and let it begin to flow into to every other part of you, taking with it that wonderful sense of calmness and relaxation. Send it up to the top of your head and down to the tips of your toes and, as you let the feeling get stronger, press the thumb and forefinger of one hand together.

6. Now, keeping that thumb and forefinger pressed together and holding onto that good feeling, imagine that you are now in another time when you felt really HAPPY. This might be when you were having lots of fun and laughter with friends or being involved in something special. Maybe you achieved something you were very proud of. Again, see what you saw, hear what you heard and really feel how good it felt in that situation. Make the image as bright and colourful as you can and make the sounds louder and the feelings stronger. Really associate into the scene as if you are there right now and magnify that happy sensation so that it radiates to every fibre of your being.

7. Still with your thumb and finger pressed, jump to another time when you felt DEEP PLEASURE (I’m sure you don’t need me to make any suggestions). Let yourself really exaggerate everything you experienced and add this to all the other wonderful feelings you have being feeling so far.

8. You’re getting the idea! You can carry on like this, adding more and more positive resources, as many as you wish, all the time pressing you thumb and forefinger together, and when you can’t take anymore of feeling this great, open your eyes and relax.

By now you should be feeling fantastic, and isn’t it fascinating that you were able to do this simply by directing your thoughts in the right way? If you are wondering why I asked you press your thumb and forefinger together, the reason is simply that your unconscious mind has made a neuro-associative link between the emotions you felt and the sensation between your thumb and finger. This is known as an ‘anchor’.

In the same way that just hearing a particular song can bring back feelings of nostalgia, your new anchor, when pressed, can reconnect you to the positive feelings you created in this exercise. Why not test it now?

Anytime you want to feel more resourceful in the future you can trigger your anchor and feel great on purpose. By doing this you are learning to take control of your own brain and as with any skill the more you get to use it the stronger it will get. Enjoy!

LIVE YOUR VALUES

Whenever I meet anyone who is unsatisfied with the state of their life, it usually only takes a short conversation to discover that they spend a lot of time doing things that conflict with their true personal values. An example of this is someone who is highly creative at heart, but whose job requires them to stick to the rules. Or a gentle caring type of person who is surrounded by hard nosed straight talkers. It’s quite easy in today’s society to fall into the rut of maintaining a lifestyle, while forgetting what it is that makes that lifestyle important to us in the first place.

We all have a set of values that defines our inner characters, and when we are prevented from doing the things that put us in touch with these values we can begin to feel frustrated or even empty. Numerous studies into what makes people happy have consistently shown that the most important ingredient for life satisfaction is having plenty of opportunity to express your true self.

I often talk with people who claim they do not know what their values are, so I explain that true values are just the personal qualities that you feel are important to have for yourself. Everyone’s values are different and one way to find out what yours are is to follow this simple exercise:

Imagine that its way off in the future and someone close to you is presenting you with a lifetime achievement award at a glamorous ceremony. How would you like for them introduce you to the audience? E.g. “Mary is such a loving person who has brought great happiness to those who know her. Her creative nature has always ensured that life’s obstacles were overcome with grace and dignity. She is an honest and loyal friend whose positive and humorous approach to life had been a great inspiration to others.” Thinking about how you would like others to view you is a good indication of the values you consider important. As you think about this, honestly assess how much of yourself you are currently putting into living these values now. What could you do right now to be that deserving person collecting the award?

Money can be a very handy bonus for most of us, but do not mistake financial status as a true personal value. I recently had very bizarre conversation with a man who said he works all hours god sends so that one day he will be rich enough to spend more time with his family!!! Why doesn’t he ditch the job and live that value now? If your life is not currently reflecting what’s important to you, how could you plan to change it so that you are free to be the fullest most positive expression of yourself?

DON’T LET FEAR HOLD YOU BACK

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure” - Marianne Williamson

Many people interpret their fear of doing things as a reason not to do them. Sound familiar? I know I’m often as guilty as the next for allowing this to happen. The paradox about fear is that the more we experience it, the more we need to face it. This is not because we are gluttons for punishment, but because nothing is more effective at making us grow as human beings than our willingness to push passed the blocks that are holding us back. The more important something is to us, the more likely we are to experience a fear about going to get it. It does not mean, however, that we should be excused from working toward our desired outcomes. Fear is simply the indicator that lets us know they’re worth working for in the first place.

It may help you to know that no one on the face of this earth is immune to fear. Behind all great achievements are piles of rubble where the walls of uncertainty have been broken through. Imagine what the world would be like now if fear actually did stop everyone from taking action to discover better ways of living.

One of the biggest fears that can prevent people from achieving greater rewards in their life is the fear of failure. What happens if it all goes wrong? When you think like this you are only mistaking set-backs for end results. It is not game over. If something turns out differently than you wanted, you will always be able to learn from the experience and use it to change your approach. Virtually every successful person can tell you of the multiple failures they had to encounter in order to hit their jackpot. Failure = Experience = Success.

I am always hearing people say things like, “When I feel more confident in myself, then I’ll do it”. You do not have to feel totally ready before you start dealing with your fear. Confidence is a by-product of the fear bashing process. It is only when you start taking action, despite feeling frightened, that your confidence takes on a whole new lease of life.

Breaking your goals down into easy to manage chunks reduces the overwhelming sensation that can sometimes be attached to the greater objective. Doing something little everyday towards your desired future will soon add up to a significant positive difference in your life.

Remember, fear is a guaranteed and useful part of life. The choice is, do you continue to sacrifice your dreams because of it, or do you make the decision right now to pursue a better life despite its existence?
Many people interpret their fear of doing things as a reason not to do them. Sound familiar? I know I’m often as guilty as the next for allowing this to happen. The paradox about fear is that the more we experience it, the more we need to face it. This is not because we are gluttons for punishment, but because nothing is more effective at making us grow as human beings than our willingness to push passed the blocks that are holding us back. The more important something is to us, the more likely we are to experience a fear about going to get it. It does not mean, however, that we should be excused from working toward our desired outcomes. Fear is simply the indicator that lets us know they’re worth working for in the first place.

It may help you to know that no one on the face of this earth is immune to fear. Behind all great achievements are piles of rubble where the walls of uncertainty have been broken through. Imagine what the world would be like now if fear actually did stop everyone from taking action to discover better ways of living.

One of the biggest fears that can prevent people from achieving greater rewards in their life is the fear of failure. What happens if it all goes wrong? When you think like this you are only mistaking set-backs for end results. It is not game over. If something turns out differently than you wanted, you will always be able to learn from the experience and use it to change your approach. Virtually every successful person can tell you of the multiple failures they had to encounter in order to hit their jackpot. Failure = Experience = Success.

I am always hearing people say things like, “When I feel more confident in myself, then I’ll do it”. You do not have to feel totally ready before you start dealing with your fear. Confidence is a by-product of the fear bashing process. It is only when you start taking action, despite feeling frightened, that your confidence takes on a whole new lease of life.

Breaking your goals down into easy to manage chunks reduces the overwhelming sensation that can sometimes be attached to the greater objective. Doing something little everyday towards your desired future will soon add up to a significant positive difference in your life.

Remember, fear is a guaranteed and useful part of life. The choice is, do you continue to sacrifice your dreams because of it, or do you make the decision right now to pursue a better life despite its existence?